Hopelessly Retarded

I used to think all Americans were racist.

Now I've changed my mind. They DID elect an orange president.

Here in Canada, you used to be able to be shipped off to an asylum just because you were gay.

I guess they couldn't tell the fruits from the nuts.

My cousin is a surgeon.

Last year he botched a surgery he was doing on a patient who happened to be gay. He's being sued for malpractice for turning a fruit into a vegetable.

Q. What's the difference between Trump and a piece of shit? A. Shit isn't orange.

In light of Trump's slurring, staggering, and incoherence, I wondered if he should get checked for a brain tumor.

Then I realized how ridiculous that sounded.

A tumor can't grow in something that doesn't exist in the first place.

I used to be emo, but I don't cut myself to solve my problems anymore.

I just drink a bunch of liquor like an adult.

I should probably stop making abortion jokes.

After all, the aborted babies aren't laughing.

Pierre Poilievre has lost the government position he had for 20 years.

Bet he wishes his mom HAD used that coat hanger.

Prostitution. The only job that pays more if you suck.

Some people think jokes about child abuse are funny.

I'm not sure if I think that, but they do seem to hit different.

Q: What was the last thing the United Healthcare CEO heard before he got shot?

A: "It's me, Luigi!"

I've come to the conclusion that Trump is the fifth Teletubby.

He's fat, orange, and speaks in gibberish all the time.

If a lawyer gives birth to a stillborn baby, is it considered a miscarriage of justice?

If Donald Trump gets any worse, they'll have to replace Air Force One with a short bus.

I don't laugh at Trump.

I was taught to NEVER make fun of the mentally handicapped.

When I was a kid, I knew a woman named Betty Pears.

She died a horrible death from Alzheimer's.

I thought a pear was a fruit, not a vegetable!

If a CEO goes blind, are they just an EO?

Yo mama so slutty the abortion clinic gave her a loyalty card and coupon for 20% off her next abortion.

There are a lot of upsides to being an orphan.

For one, you never have to worry about your jokes being family friendly.

Everybody is talking about Trump having leaks in his office.

I don't see what the problem is. He should just use a better fitting diaper next time.