𝓓𝓸𝓵𝓵 ౨ৎ

Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

ENTER PASSWORD.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

RESET PASSWORD.

NEW PASSWORD CAN'T BE OLD PASSWORD.

sets fire to computer

Uber driver: ........... Me: .......... Uber driver: .......... Me: 5 stars.

47. The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

48. Why can’t Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school? Because he’s dead.

49. “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.

50. It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. But, I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

51. Never break someone's heart, they only have one of those. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.

52. What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

53. When ordering food at a new restaurant, my wife asked the waiter what they do to prepare their chicken.“Nothing special,” he explained. “We just tell them they’re going to die.”

54. What is the difference between Iron man and Iron Woman? One is a superhero and the other is a simple command.

55. I'll never forget my Grandfather’s last words to me just before he died. "Are you still holding the ladder?"

56. Sorry, what’s the quickest way to get to the hospital? Easy, just stand in the middle of a busy road.

57. Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.

58. What’s the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair.

59. What's the difference between jelly and jam? You can't jelly a clown into the tiny car.

60. My grandma has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

61. What do you call inexpensive circumcision? A rip-off.

62. What did the woman with no hands get for Christmas? No idea. She hasn’t opened her present yet.

63. "I work with animals," the guy says to his Tinder date. "That's so sweet," she replies. "I like a man who loves animals. Where do you work?" "I'm a butcher," he says.

64. What’s the difference between a baby and a sweet potato? About 140 calories.

65. You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

66. Today was the worst day of my life. My ex got hit by a school bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

67. Why was the leper hockey game canceled? It was because of a face-off in the corner.

68. They say the surest way to a man’s heart is through the stomach. But, I find going through the ribcage a lot easier.

69. What's the last thing to go through a fly's head as it hits the windshield of a car going 80 mph? Its butt.

70. What’s the special dish in a restaurant for cannibals? Heads, shoulders, knees, and toes

71. Why are friends a lot like snow? If you pee on them, they disappear.

72. What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn’t matter what you call him, he won’t come anyway.

73. An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.

74. Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you. But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.

75. My senior relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying things like, “You’ll be next!” They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

76. Happy 60th birthday. At last, you can live undisturbed by life insurance agents!

77. Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to hit you. That's the punch line.

78. Dark humor is like food. Not everyone gets it.

79. The cemetery is so crowded. People are just dying to get in.

80. I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed “does anyone know CPR?” I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet” and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except one person.

81. I know a fish that can breakdance! Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.

82. I childproofed my house. Somehow they still got in!

83. Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.

84. Cremation. My final hope for a smokin’ hot body!

85. Today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face. My parents are the worst.

86. People with Covid have no taste!

87. My favorite Disney movie is The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I love a hero with a twisted back story.

88. My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest.

89. I heard Sony is coming out with a new video game console to help us get through the pandemic. It's called the Plaguestation 5.

90. I’ve stopped making jokes about Covid to my brother. They flu over his head.

91. My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.

92. I got a job at a library, but it only lasted 15 minutes. Turns out, books about women’s rights shouldn’t go in the Sci-Fi / Fantasy section.

93. I started crying when dad was cutting onions. Onions was such a good dog.

94. My daughter asked me how stars die. "Usually an overdose," I told her.

41. To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.

42. I was reading a great book about an immortal cat the other day. It was impossible to put down.

43. You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.

44. I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.

45. What’s the difference between a hipster and a football player? A football player showers.

46. I made a website for orphans. It doesn’t have a home page.

28. You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.

29. Where did Joe go after getting lost on a minefield? Everywhere.

30. What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

31. My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support.

32. My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my sister.

33. What did the Titanic say as it sank? I’m nominating all passengers for the Ice Bucket Challenge!

34. Why did Mozart kill all of his chickens? When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, "Bach, Bach, Bach."

22. Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

23. My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.

24. When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.

25. A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, “Do you have any last requests?” “Yes,” replies the murderer. “Can you please hold my hand?”

26. I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.

27. The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

17. My husband left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." I'm not sure what he's talking about. I opened the fridge door and it's working fine!

18. Why did the man miss the funeral? He wasn’t a mourning person.

19. It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.

20. Want to know how you make any salad into a caesar salad? Stab it twenty-three times.

21. When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on outings.

12. My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.

13. What does my dad have in common with Nemo? They both can’t be found.

14. I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

15. When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug. His last wish was to be Frank in Stein.

16. Do you know the phrase “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure”? Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out that you were adopted.

6. I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it. Then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

7. The doctor gave me some cream for my skin rash. He said I was a sight for psoriasis.

8. Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.

9. I don’t have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere.

10. Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when you push them down the stairs.

11. A man walks into an enchanted forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. "You can't cut me down," the tree exclaims, "I'm a talking tree!" The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."

1. I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset about it. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor.

2. My grief counselor died. He was so good, I don’t even care.

3. Today, I asked my phone “Siri, why am I still single?” and it activated the front camera.

4. A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”

5. As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.

I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work