What's the difference between Harry Potter and a holocaust victim? Harry made it out of the chamber.
Chriss
Lost my other account, its chri5, back for vengance.
A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, “Do you have any last requests?” “Yes,” replies the murderer. “Can you please hold my hand?”
What do you call a blonde in the freezer? Her parents named her Jessica, so we should probably continue to call her that. She was supposed to graduate tomorrow.
They say the surest way to a man’s heart is through the stomach. But, I find going through the ribcage a lot easier.
Doctor: “You’ll be at peace soon.” Man: “Am I dying?” Doctor: “No, your wife is.”
Genie: You cannot wish for more wishes, immortality, or love Man: I wish not to die a virgin Genie: I just said no wishing for immortality
What is the fastest way to spread a rumor? Telephone? NO. Television? No. How then? Tell A Woman
People always tell me to say no to drugs, but if i'm talking to drugs, I probably said yes.
I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He later told me it was the most violent book he’d ever read.
Wife: “I want another baby.” Husband: “That’s a relief, I also really don’t like this one.”
A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, "Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared." The man replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone."
Dentist: “This will hurt a little.” Patient: “OK.” Dentist: “I’m having an affair with your wife.”
Why are cigarettes good for the environment? They kill people.
My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back? Sadly the hardest part to eat of the vegitable is the wheelchair.
She said she was cheating. I put anti-freeze in her drink.
I'd like to have kids one day. I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.
What's yellow and can't swim? A bus full of children.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies. She is not “fun to be around”.
My favorite novel is "The Hunchback of Notre Dame". I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.
Wife: Honey, I’m pregnant Husband: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad Wife: No, you’re not