A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, “Do you have any last requests?” “Yes,” replies the murderer. “Can you please hold my hand?”
Chriss
Lost my other account, its chri5, back for vengance.
What is the fastest way to spread a rumor?
Telephone? No.
Television? No.
How then? Tell a woman!
Genie: You cannot wish for more wishes, immortality, or love.
Man: I wish not to die a virgin.
Genie: I just said no wishing for immortality!
Doctor: “You’ll be at peace soon.” Man: “Am I dying?” Doctor: “No, your wife is.”
They say the surest way to a man’s heart is through the stomach. But, I find going through the ribcage a lot easier.
People always tell me to say no to drugs, but if I'm talking to drugs, I probably said yes.
What do you call a blonde in the freezer? Her parents named her Jessica, so we should probably continue to call her that. She was supposed to graduate tomorrow.
I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. He later told me it was the most violent book he’d ever read.
What's the difference between Harry Potter and a Holocaust victim?
Harry made it out of the chamber.
What is the difference between men and women?
Men have 2 heads, women have 4 lips because men do all the thinking, and women do all the talking.
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies. She is not “fun to be around”.
Dentist: “This will hurt a little.” Patient: “OK.” Dentist: “I’m having an affair with your wife.”
Wife: “I want another baby.” Husband: “That’s a relief, I also really don’t like this one.”
"I have good and bad news," the doctor said to his patient. "Give me the good news first," the patient said. "Your test results are back," the doctor said, "and you have only two days to live." "That's the good news?", the patient exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "I've been trying to reach you for two days."
My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back? Sadly, the hardest part to eat of the vegetable is the wheelchair.
Why are life and a penis alike?
Women make both of them hard.
There’s a lot of talk about starting families, but no one ever talks about finishing what they started.
I'd like to have kids one day.
I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.
Why is there air conditioning in hospitals? To keep the vegetables cool and fresh.
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.