Someone broke into my house and took my anti-depressants... I hope they're happy now 😐
How is having fun with a prostitute like bungee jumping?
You’re dead if the rubber breaks.
I hate double standards – burn a body at a crematorium and you’re being, a respectful friend.
But do it at home and you’re, destroying evidence.
Why don’t clams like to share?
Because they’re very shellfish.
How many homeless guys does it take to change a lightbulb? “You’re telling me there’s change in a lightbulb?”
Grammar: It's the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.
You're so damn fat that the only belt that fits you is an asteroid belt.
Michael Jakson gets really ill so he's rushed to hospital. When they get there he says 'am i in heaven?' The doctor replies 'Nah sir we're just taking a quick shortcut through the children's ward.'
it's not rape if you're both crying
If you're ever bored, try scaring the shit out of an Asian to see their eyes open for the first time.
A Vampire goes to the Bakery:
Vampire🧛♂️: „One Bun please.“
Bäcker👩🍳: „But you're Vampire, don't you need blood 🩸 ?“
Vampir🧛♂️: „Yes, there is an accident outside and i need something to dip“
If you're gonna razor yourself you might as well have shaving cream.
Most states:
"It's ok, it won't be awkward. We're still friends."
Alabama:
"She didn't wanna be my girlfriend anymore. But she said she'll still be my sister."
Sans: wow. seems you’re really working yourself... down to the bone!
What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb
You can't unscrew a pregnant woman
What's a similarity between a broken lightbulb, and a pregnant woman
They're both accidents
You want some dead batteries? They're free of charge.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence." Anybody relate?
You're so ugly when a pig saw you it thought that you were there family member .
I saw a little kid on their bike before. So i ran home to see if it was mine. Mine was still chained up, so we’re good.
Them: You want some Lucky Harms?
Me: What are Lucky Harms?
Them: They're Lucky charms, but instead of being magically delicious, they're magically malicious.
