Damn girl, are you a smoke detector? Because you're super annoying and won't shut up.
pilot: *over intercom* we're all going to die
passengers: *start freaking out*
pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when
passengers: *sigh with relief*
pilot: but it'll probably be when we hit that mountain
When you’re hiding from the school shooter next to people who made fun of you for having an Android: “HEY SIRI”
The worst part about church is that you're constantly switching between sitting, standing and kneeling; I mean, why can't the priest just pick a position and f**k me already!
Kid says “are u a soldier”? Soldier says “mhm” kid says “i wanna be a soldier some day” soldier says “really”? The kid says “ye but, father says i don’t have the balls to be a soldier” “but he’s right ima FUCKING PRETTY PRETTY PRINCESS!!!
When you're the only one nice to the quiet kid.
Kid: "I like you... don't go to school tomorrow."
What do you call you're daughter's boyfriend when he brings her back past 10pm?
An ambulance
making fun of someone you're angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car <3
Why do vegetarians give good head? Beause they’re used to eating nuts.
My girlfriend asked me to write her a poem for Valentines Day: Roses are red, Watches are gold. Get on your knees, And do as you're told.
One man's trash is another man's treasure.... Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you're adopted
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts' which, on one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right.
My friends used to poke me at weddings and say "You're next". So I started poking them at funerals and saying "You're next" to my friends.
Trees are so social. They're always branching out.
No one has the right to look down on others unless you're perfect, and looking down on others is not perfect either
it’s just true
What's the difference between a hamster and a cigarette? They're both harmless until you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire
1. My phone battery lasts longer than your relationships.
2. Oh you’re talking to me, I thought you only talked behind my back.
3. My name must taste good because it’s always in your mouth.
A guy is at home and he's about to go get a physical at the Doctor's office. When he gets there, the Doctor says, "Brian, you're going to have to stop masturbating." He asked the Doc why? The Doc said, "So I can examine you!"
Random person: "Just turn the page and start over." Me: "I'm not sure if you're telling me to be gay or uhhhh die but both are good options."
Society: :-)
I: :')
Society: you're doing it WRONG. It's :-) not :')
I: :'D
