INS jokes

My mom told me it's not healthy to stay in my room all day... but the only places I'm allowed to go to are my room and downstairs.

Roses are red, my name is Dan, I have a gun, GET IN THE VAN!

My fifth wife asked me to help her dig in the garden. Here we go again.

Your mamma's so ugly, even the toaster wouldn't get in the bathtub with her.

My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”

I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”

Fatty and Skinny were in a bed.

Fatty rolled over, and Skinny was dead.

What did Donald Trump serve Justin Trudeau at the state dinner?

Poutine in traditional Russian dressing!

What do a pedophile and a clock have in common? Neither of them go past 12.

My grandfather never threw anything away, bless him. He died in the war holding on to a hand grenade.

Why is 10 so scared? Cause it was in the middle of 9/11.

The gayest person in the world is Pacman. You can pay him 50 cents to eat 200 balls.

If a person in a wheelchair runs you over, can you call it a "hit and can't run"?

The Sunday school teacher is a little concerned that his kids might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, “Where is Jesus today?”

Little Suzy replies, “He’s in heaven.”

Little Mary replies, “He’s in my heart.”

Little Johnny says, “He’s in the bathroom!”

The teacher says, “How do you know this?”

Then little Johnny says, “Well, every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells, “Jesus Christ are you still in there!?””

I was excited my teacher asked me for sex in exchange for a good grade, but then I realized I was homeschooled.

I'm a fast reader, I can go through 20 stories in a few seconds.

Yeah, Asians have squinty eyes, but that's because they have had the displeasure of seeing so many ugly obese Americans in one place.

Cousins on the streets means lovers in the sheets. 😂👀

What do a politician and a minister have in common?

Both of them will tell you anything to get money from you.

What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?

Virgin mobile.

Orphan boy: "Your dad is probably disappointed in you. I mean, look at you."

Me: "Well, at least my parents kept me. Where are yours?"