Dying jokes

I would like to die like my Islamic father, in his sleep, but not like the rest of the people in the plane or those in those identical towers.

A man dies, and his friend is invited to his funeral.

This friend asks his wife, "Can I say a word?"

"Of course," she says.

The man stands up and says, "Plethora!"

The man's wife says, "Thanks, it means a lot!"

One day a man dies and goes to heaven. He gets there and sees a bunch of clocks. He asks Jesus, "Hey, what are the clocks for?" Jesus replies, "They move every time you sin." "This is Mother Teresa's, it has not moved so she has not sinned." "This one is Abraham Lincoln's, it has moved twice so he sinned twice." The man asks, "Where is Joe Biden's?" Jesus replies, "It's in my office-- I'm using it as a ceiling fan."

A man died and went to heaven. Here he met Jesus. There were two clocks. The man asked, "What's with the clocks?" Jesus answered, "This is Mother Theresa's clock. She has not lied, so the clock hasn't moved. This is Abraham Lincoln's clock; he's only lied twice, so it's moved twice." "Where's Donald Trump's?" the man asked. Jesus replied: "It's in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan."

Three nuns die in a car crash, but they all make it to heaven. They're standing at the pearly gates, and Saint Peter says to them, "Don't worry, you're going to get in, but first I need you to answer these questions."

He asks the first nun, "What was the name of the first woman?" The nun says, "Eve." Saint Peter says, "Go on in."

Then he asks the second nun, "Where did Adam and Eve live?" The second one says, "The Garden of Eden." Saint Peter says, "You can go through."

Finally, he gets to the third nun and says, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" The nun stands there a little confused and says, "Boy, that's a hard one." Saint Peter, shocked, goes, "That's correct! Go on in."

You know every time we think of sex, an angel dies.

We ran out of dead people hundreds of years ago.

I went into a dark basement with a flashlight, but then it died, but I was not scared. I was actually delighted.

Jokes are like Indians.

They never die, they just get reincarnated.

My great grandfather died in 9/11.

He was such a good pilot.

Paul Walker died Fast and Furious.

My late grandpa was always popular with women. One day, before he died, I asked him what his secret was. He said, "I inherited a watering hole."

Bewildered, I replied, "What does that have to do with anything?"

"I could easily get anyone wet because I was well endowed."

The emo kid said, "I wanna die." But the quiet kid said, "Nah, I'm gonna die myself, bye!"

My Chinese friend died recently, So Yung.

A man comes home, and the wife says, "My ex just died by getting hit by a bus." And the husband said, "I lost my job as a bus driver."

I would go suck some titties, but I’d rather die from being shot than cancer.

Genie: You cannot wish for more wishes, immortality, or love.

Man: I wish not to die a virgin.

Genie: I just said no wishing for immortality!

I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

Cemeteries are so popular! People are, like... dying to get there.

Yeah man! Life is wonderful! But, when you realize all of the ones you loved were fake.

And when you die, does your online friends notice? How will they notice? Or will they ever notice? Is 13 age too young for dying? Am I just paranoid? I'm scared.