Dais Jokes

My Grandmother died last month. The thing that bugs me to this day, I couldn't understand her last words ... through the pillow.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away... That is... if you throw it hard enough.

Three people die on the same day: a German, an American, and an Italian. They all go to Hell for various reasons. American: I won't ever see my dog again! Italian: I won't ever make pizzas again! German: Hey, granddad, how have you been?

FIRST DATE

man: i work with animals every day woman: oh how sweet! what is it that you do? man: im a butcher..

My day started out great until I woke up

My sisters name is coco and one day she was funny so I told her you

Coconut

It’s all fun and games at “take your kid to work day” until you realize your dad is a suicide bomber.

i love murder shows... wish me luck cause im kinda hoping to be on one one day

Suicide gives your security for the future. Decide the day of suicide and live with full joy till that day and you can choose to postpone it.

people call me a bad person but just the other day i saw a little kid crying and asked him where were his parents , i love working at the orphanage

Student: 503 bricks are on a plane. 1 falls off. How many are left?

Teacher: 502.

Student: How do you put an elephant in a fridge?

Teacher:No you can't fit an elephant in a fridge!!

Student: Just open door, put elephant in, close door.

Student: How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?

Teacher: open door,put giraffe in, close door

Student: no! Open door, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close door.

Student: The Lion King is having a B-day party. All the animals are there, except one. Which one? Teacher: let me guess the lion?

Student: No!The giraffe because He's in a fridge.

Teacher: WOW!

Student: Sally has to get across a large river home to many alligators. They are very dangerous, but Sally swims across safely. How?

Teacher: Sally stepped on the alligators mouth?

Student:The gators are at the party.

Student: But Sally dies anyway. Why?

Teacher:She drowned?!

Student: no! She got hit in the head by a flying brick.

One day a snail got robbed by 2 turtles, once the cops arrived and asked what had happened, Snail said "I dont know it all happed to fast"!

My dad died the other day but, i was able to hear his last words"son are you still holding the ladder"

me: brings in missing child police: omg this kid has been missing for 3 months. here is your reward me: oh, cool

NEXT DAY

me: brings in 8 other kids

police :0 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was sitting in a bar one day and two really large women came in, talking in an interesting accent. So I said, "Cool accent, are you two ladies from Ireland?" One of them snarled at me, "It's Wales, Dumbo!" So I corrected myself, "My apologies, so are you two whales from Ireland?"

Give a man a fish, and he eats for a day. Teach a Nigerian to phish and he'll become a prince.

We’re skipping April fools day this year, the biggest joke is already sitting in office running our country

So I was at a funeral the other day and it was a school shooting mass funeral, and the lady beside me asked me, “ what do you think was going through their heads?” And I replied, “probably a bullet.” She was furious and said, “ How dare you you have no idea what those kids were probably going through!” And I replied, “well they were going through anything the bullet was going through them.”

One day, a priest is walking down the street and sees a little girl with a box. "What's in the box?", the priest asks. "Christian kittens", the little girl answers. Pleased, the priest smiles and continues on his way. A week later, the same priest is walking down the street with a nun when he sees the little girl and the box again. "Ask her what she has in the box", he says, "It's the cutest thing!" The nun walks up and asks the girl what she has in the box. "Atheist kittens", she says. The priest rushes forward and says "ATHEIST KITTENS!!! Last week you said they were "Christian kittens!!!" "They were", she says. "Now their eyes are open".