Momma, I'm okay.

thankfully

that’s good

did he forward you the emails?

yes

oh kinda random mal, but the bruno mars tour was in my area a few days ago

that’s cool

are you okay?

okay

as long as you’re okay that’s all that matters

mhm

its never like long term affects on me

..

just keep us updated

mhm

charlie yk we rlly care about you

i know

but its been so bad seince sunday

because theses are feeligns i kept away for a year

and i just dindt know what else to do

and im ngl last night at church i was thinking that i was gonna go home and js yk end it.

but this girl at my church

knowing how have those thought spirals

i went to my like church notes to write notes for the servies

and she wrote smthin in my notebook that i dindt see until yesterday

what'd say?

one sec

nothing big

but it was enoguh to know thst she cared abotu me and enoguh to keep em atleast a bit longer

but i still dont know

it isn't just her that loves you, charlie

i know

not just me or mal

so many people love me thats why itried to hide this

or lily or alain

you have severe trust issues

i know

no its not that

i trust you guy siweht my life

i just dindt want to be aburden i dindt want you to think i was getting bad again

and we want to trust you with your life

a relapse is a relapse. so what

but today i took pills and i wanted to take more

so i said something

you have a voice

use it

and i wasnt sharing my pain either

because

i never told yall about him

hm?

because i wanted to forget

what happend

he was struggling for 3 of the 5 years i knew him

and one day he just had enough

and i just pushed it away

who?

and i hate myself so much because i dont even rember his name

yall dont know him

i met him years ago when i had my xbox and we talked

msotly on discord

he died like a year or two ago

oh

i'm sorry

and it just rushed back to me and i cant throw it away again

charlie

he sent me a picutre of an empty pill bottle

and i knew what he did i couldbe called the cops

i coudlve saved him

but i dindt

charlie

if i was just there to let him know i cared

it's the past

im sorry

no

charlie

look

last sunday had to be the worst day of my life when it all rushed back to me very bad though ti ever had

what happened is in the past, but what is happening now and in the future is in your hands

and i couldnt talk i just sat still i dindt move for over an hour

my ride left and put me with someone else

and everyone kept talking to me

but i never moved my eyes

except when paris kneeled down and met my eye

then i just kept crying

idk what happend

but the pain

t was so comofrting

and i was numb

but i still hurt

my dad sometimes says 'pain is weakness leaving the body'

you can’t blame yourself for that

i feel light headed

you've felt so much pain, and you're stronger than you thinlk

this shits hitting me

you should lay down

cant

please do so, charlie

like i cant lay down

crap my foots asleep

i can sit down fs

back?

no

that's not going to happen

the meds are distorting your thought process

cosmo

m

its suppoused to calm you

mhm

Umm

it's fine lilt

y

i am really tired

and the world is moving a little slow

Real

wdym?

Nun.

ok..

btrix @mal @cosmoidk

Lilly, i love you and im so glad your in my life

so please, please dont ever leave it,

not on purpouse atleast

It’s really hard right now.

You don’t understand

i know its hard

i dont understnad

ok

uhm.

I dont understand what exactly?

Cause i know i dont understand your health problems

but i understand hard

Just nvm.

no lilly

You arent alone, and people understand

you need to know tat

not everyone

I just want the world to start spinning again.

no you dont

you just want this all to go aeway

you dont wna to be numb

It’s like it stopped once more and it won’t start.

lily check ur email if you can

I don’t want to talk about this right now. I want to be alone.

well you're never gonna be alone in your life

i understnad, please be safe.

we'll be here when your ready

not true

you have me, and cosmo, and mal, and noah, and bree, and many more

lilly youve had me for so long

i will never leave your side

Like Noah actually loves me. He shouldn’t..

he dose

You don’t know how many people have told me that.

Then walked away when shit got difficult

lilly ive been here when shit was difficult

I didn’t talk to you when it was.

I couldn’t

You weren’t there

those breaks where we cant talk im awlays asking roman about you

No body was

thats not my fault

i couldnt be

I know

lily, i don't rlly know as much as charlie knows you, but i ain't ever gonna give up on anybody

But even the people who could be didn’t care

perception isn't reality

This is just so hard

Lilly do you wanna know my top two faveriot days

I thought I was done with this chapter of my life.

me too

The sickness part.

This happening is sending me into a relapse

my first faveriot day si the day we met, at the dance. when i ran to you

my second is when we wehre selling donuts and coffe at the church and we sat on the curb and just talked

im honestly kinda confused

lilly i want to help but right now im starting to lose sense of reaitly

I knowX

I need to be alone now.

ok.

you may want to be alone, but you aren't lonely

Yes I am. Always

im sorry i wanst there lilly

im sorry im a disppintment as a mother

i want tohelp you so bad but i jsut dont know hw

Your not, promise

because these pills are taking me over and i cant think

No one knows how to help, not even doctors so don’t worry.

i will worry

what's happening?

I have something called vocal cord dysfunction * or at least they think I do* meaning my vocal cords just randomly close up for no reason so no air or little to none can get through my airway so I cannot do sports or play my instrument or barley talk until they get me in with a speech therapy and a ear, nose and throat doctor, which could be quite a while. Then I have to do speech until I can learn to control the mussle spasms.

oh

im sorry

neurological disorder im guessing?

I’m not sure

They didn’t explain well

you haven't recieved an official diagnosis yet?

I have, but my doctor is a typical doctor and wouldn’t tell me like anything

Plus, he wants a second opinion by someone who specializes in this, to make sure it’s correct but he’s fairly certain and did diagnose me with it.

i want alin

mm