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I’m giving in my two week resignation to life... it’s not you ... it’s me!!!

Boy goes to Confession.

Boy: "What are you doing, father?"

Priest: "It's called masturbation and soon you will be doing it."

Boy: "Why do you say that, father?"

Priest: "'Cause my hand is getting tired."

"Roses are red. Violets are red. My parents' bed is red. Oh shit, I set the house on fire!"

Why are ant colonies very healthy? Because they have lots of antibodies.

Three men are outside Heaven's gates waiting to go through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them, "Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven."

The first guy says, "I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times." The angel gives him an old model pick up. The second guy says, "11 years and only once," and is granted a Mercedes.

The last man says, "20 years and not once. I loved her with all my heart," and with the angel impressed, he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later, the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says, "I know we are dead, but it could be much worse."

The guy looks up and says, "How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard!"

What's the difference between flat earthers and my grandfather? Flat earthers are more disconnected from reality than my grandfather is disconnected from his life support.

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    • What’s the best part about banging twenty-eight year olds? There are twenty of them.

    Why are babies called bundles of joy?

    When you break the bundle, it gives you joy.

    Look at a bag of black grapes. See how dark they are? That’s how I like my men.

    25 at a time.

    "The only way I'd want to be reincarnated is if I can be reincarnated as a man," said the young woman.

    "Why?" said her friend.

    "Oh, I don't know, just men are so cool,"

    "Is that the only reason?" said her friend.

    "Maybe........" said the young woman. "Maybe."