ANS jokes
Your mum is so ugly, she tried to join an ugly competition. They said, "Sorry, no professionals."
When I finished playing my guitar, I noticed an amputee in the crowd not giving me a round of applause.
Why can't orphans go to an amusement park?
Because they don't have parents!
For some reason, people make fun of my name because it rhymes with something that starts with an F.
对不起,我是卧底。
(Duìbùqǐ, wǒ shì wòdǐ.)
Sorry, I'm an undercover.
How do you make an orphan's hands bleed?
You tell them to clap till their parents come home.
Kid finds genie lamp, wishes to be Batman.
Genie: You're now an orphan.
My nephew hated working outside in landscaping, so I got him a job in the twin towers; I don't know why he keeps complaining about it being an inside job.
What do you get when you mix a cow with an earthquake??
Milkshake.
What do you call an injured Panera Bread?
Panera Bled.
Your forehead is so fucking big, I had to call an Uber to get across the eyebrows to your hairline.
I know it's bad, sorry.
Q: What’s the difference between a sleeping lady and an onion?
A: One doesn’t scream when you try to chop it up.
How do you embarrass a female archaeologist?
Give her a used tampon and ask which period it came from.
Your mum is so fat, when the doctors did her x-ray, the doctor said to her, "I want your x-ray, not an elephant's x-ray!"
Q. What happens when a pedophile spills his coffee? A. It leaves an EP-stain.
What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
"Beat it. We’re closed."
Why can't you ever see an emo?
They're too high to see.
John Wilkes Booth, to his fiancee: "I have an important role to play tonight at Ford's Theater."
Fiancee: "Break a leg!"
Y'know, I never knew Obi-Wan Kenobi participated in an anime, "Snow White with the Red Hair," up until now.
Why can't an orphan have a phone?
Because they will see a home.