ANS jokes
Two men broke into a drugstore and stole all the Viagra. The police put out an alert to be on the lookout for the two hardened criminals.
Kelly Clarkson and Ian Watkins of the Lostprophets both walk into a bar. The bartender asked, "Hitting on some 2-year-olds today?" It may have been an innocuous question, if it weren't for the fact that the bartender is Chris Hansen.
You know what relationships and life? They both come to an end.
What’s the difference between a clock and an orphan's dad? The clock comes back around.
What story does an orphan always get kicked out of? Home Depot.
Don't let an extra chromosome get you down!
An old woman goes to the doctor complaining of extremely smelly gas.
"I don't understand it, Doc," she said, "I have this terrible, terrible gas." "Thankfully," she added, "they are at least silent when I fart."
Doctor hands her a bottle of pills, tells her take them all and then come back to see him.
The old woman returned a short time later extremely mad. "I took those pills like you said and not only is my gas smelly, but now when I fart they are obnoxiously loud!", she yelled.
The doctor said, "well, now that we've solved your hearing problem, let's see what we can do about that gas".
What do you call an autistic kid with a gun?
Special Forces.
Q: How do you know when an Asian broke into your house?
A: You can't find your dog.
What does a pregnant teen and an aborted child have in common?
They both say, “My mom's gonna kill me!”
An orphanage got robbed yesterday. Let's just say that's the second worst thing to happen to those orphans. At least they didn't end up like their parents.
Teacher: I used to be an orphan once.
Student: OOFT.
Teacher: Who are we missing?
Student: Your parents.
Making fun of someone you're angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car <3
When I saw a girl sitting on the ground crying, I asked her where her parents were. She cried louder. That’s why I like to volunteer in an orphanage.
New Teslas don't come with a new car smell; they come with an Elon Musk.
I just found out that there is a racist stereotype about Asians being bad drivers, which isn't true... but if it is, then maybe Pearl Harbor was just an accident.
What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure? -- A waist of time.
What's the difference between a baby and an onion?
One screams when I peel its skin off.
If Mexico is an unredeemable shithole, then how come the Republicans' favorite senator, Ted Cruz, ran to Mexico as fast as he could after a little bit of snow in his home?
Teacher: At the end of this ruler is an idiot.
Student: Which end?