･ﾟ｡ 🖇️ 𝑀𝒶𝓎 ᡣ𐭩 ｡ﾟ･

Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

My friend said my life was a joke.

No jokes have meaning.

I bet emo kids are jealous when their phone dies.

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

ENTER PASSWORD.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

WRONG.

RESET PASSWORD.

NEW PASSWORD CAN'T BE OLD PASSWORD.

sets fire to computer

Uber driver: ........... Me: .......... Uber driver: .......... Me: 5 stars.

I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was 5.

What does my dad have in common with Nemo? They both can’t be found.

Ok so turns out the toasters are not waterproof...

35. How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

36. I have a stepladder because my real ladder left when I was 5.

37. They laughed at my crayon drawing. I laughed at their chalk outline.

38. My husband and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.

39. I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.

40. The most corrupt CEOs are the ones who run pretzel companies. They’re always so twisted.

I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.

A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!

41. To teach kids about democracy, I let them vote on dinner. They picked tacos. Then I made pizza because they don’t live in a swing state.

42. I was reading a great book about an immortal cat the other day. It was impossible to put down.

43. You’re not completely useless. You can always be used as a bad example.

44. I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.

45. What’s the difference between a hipster and a football player? A football player showers.

46. I made a website for orphans. It doesn’t have a home page.

How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

1. I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset about it. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor.

2. My grief counselor died. He was so good, I don’t even care.

3. Today, I asked my phone “Siri, why am I still single?” and it activated the front camera.

4. A man wakes from a coma. His wife changes out of her black clothes and, irritated, remarks, “I really cannot depend on you in anything, can I!”

5. As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe my budding career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

almost all of you suck, if your following me hah this isn't a joke but it gave my profile a 1 thingy heheh, kys wade =D

I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work

Today, I asked my phone “Siri, why am I still single?” and it activated the front camera.

My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my sister.

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.