Sad Sarah

Welcome to the Sexual Innuendo Club. Thank you all for coming!

What goes in hard and dry but comes out soft and wet?

Gum.

What kind of food does a lesbian love? Anything they can eat out.

You know, it was so cold in D.C. the other day, I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets.

How does NASA organize a party?

They planet.

What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

Hold on to your nuts; this ain’t no ordinary blow job.

What did the toaster say to the slice of bread? I want you inside me.

Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Because he Neverlands! (I love this joke because it never grows old.)

Why did the actor fall through the floorboards?

They were going through a stage!

A man and a giraffe walk into a bar.

After a few drinks, the giraffe falls over and dies. The man begins to walk out when the bartender stops him.

“Hey, you can’t leave that lyin’ there!” The bartender yells out.

The man turns around: “It’s not a lion. It’s a giraffe.”

Having sex in an elevator is wrong. On so many levels.

Why is sex like math?

You add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and pray there’s no multiplying.

What does one boob say to the other boob?

If we don’t get support, people will think we’re nuts.

What does the receptionist at a sperm bank say as clients leave?

Thanks for coming!

What do you call useless skin on a penis?

A man.

I'm all panic and no disco.

My two moods are “I can’t believe I get to be a person” and “I can’t believe I have to be a person.”

I'm going to start taking confetti with me to therapy so when my therapist asks me, "How are you?" I can say "sad" and toss the confetti everywhere. It'll be like a real-life iMessage!

How many innocent succulents have been brutally killed by people trying to cure their depression?

For me, the best part of depression is remaining charming around strangers but saving the misery for the ones who love you.