Manga fan

There are three types of people in the world: Those who can count and those who can’t.

I broke my arm in two places. You know what the doctor told me? Stay out of those places!

I wasn't going to visit my family this December, but my mom promised to make me Eggs Benedict. So I'm going home for the hollandaise.

They told me a mask was enough to get into the supermarket.

They lied, everybody else was also wearing pants.

A guy told me, "Nothing rhymes with orange."

So I replied, "No, it doesn't."

I have an addiction to cheddar cheese, but it's only mild.

I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but then I turned myself around.

I tried to organize a professional Hide-and-Seek tournament, but it was a complete failure. Good players are hard to find.

Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than five moves.

Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.

Where do spiders seek health advice? WebMD.

How to know something won’t be fun:

Someone will say, "C'mon, it’ll be fun!"

Why was the snowman looking through a bag of carrots?

He was picking his nose.

Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing!

I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do not read it.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the National Zoo.

I will never understand why manslaughter is illegal.

Men should be able to laugh at whatever they want.

Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. Now you can talk about Botox, and nobody raises an eyebrow.

I got fired from my job at the bank today.

An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

Rip boiled water you will be mist.

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Lettuce.

Lettuce who?

Lettuce in!