A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can.
Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: “What the hell was that all about?”
Why do black people call each other brothers? Because they don't know who their fathers are.
I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a chapstick. She still isn't talking to me.
What did the mama tomato say to the baby tomato? Catch up!
A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!” The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you ...”
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? “Supplies!”
How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans.
You have two parts of [your] brain, "left" and "right". In the left side, there's nothing right. In the right side, there's nothing left.
Diet Day #1 - I removed all the fattening food from my house. It was delicious.
A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
Your forehead is so big that it made Mona Lisa smile.
Your forehead is so big and shiney it looks like a solar field.
You're so skinny, starving Ethiopians offer you food!
Yo mama's so old, she walked out of a museum and the alarm went off.
"What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?" "Supplies!"
Your forehead is so big it gets home before you do.
Your forehead is so big I bet your dreams are in IMAX.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana. Jack got high and grabbed her thigh and said, "You know you wanna."
Jill said yes and lifted up her dress. They had some fun.
But silly Jill forgot her pill, and now they have a son.
Yo momma so fat, whenever she goes to the beach, the tide comes in!
Motherhood is a fairytale in reverse. You start in a beautiful gown and end up cleaning everyone's messes.
