Why are cigarettes good for the environment? They kill people.
Chriss
@chriss
Lost my other account, its chri5, back for vengance.
Wife: “I want another baby.” Husband: “That’s a relief, I also really don’t like this one.”
She said she was cheating. I put anti-freeze in her drink.
Dentist: “This will hurt a little.” Patient: “OK.” Dentist: “I’m having an affair with your wife.”
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies. She is not “fun to be around”.
People always tell me to say no to drugs, but if I'm talking to drugs, I probably said yes.
I'd like to have kids one day.
I don't think I could stand them any longer than that, though.
Wife: Honey, I’m pregnant. Husband: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad. Wife: No, you’re not.
Genie: You cannot wish for more wishes, immortality, or love.
Man: I wish not to die a virgin.
Genie: I just said no wishing for immortality!
There’s a lot of talk about starting families, but no one ever talks about finishing what they started.
What do you call a blonde in the freezer? Her parents named her Jessica, so we should probably continue to call her that. She was supposed to graduate tomorrow.
A dark sense of humor is like a pair of functioning legs. Not everybody has one.
What's the difference between Harry Potter and a Holocaust victim?
Harry made it out of the chamber.
What is the difference between men and women?
Men have 2 heads, women have 4 lips because men do all the thinking, and women do all the talking.
What takes 10 parking spaces? Five women.
Why are life and a penis alike?
Women make both of them hard.
What is the fastest way to spread a rumor?
Telephone? No.
Television? No.
How then? Tell a woman!
Q: What do you call a girl walking down a street?
A: Lost, she's supposed to be in the kitchen.