AG

Why did the man miss the funeral? He wasn’t a mourning person.

What does my dad have in common with Nemo? They both can’t be found.

Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when you push them down the stairs.

I don’t have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere.

Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.

Today, I asked my phone “Siri, why am I still single?” and it activated the front camera.

My grief counselor died. He was so good, I don’t even care.

I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset about it. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor.

I found a book called How to Solve 50% of Your Problems. So I bought 2.

If your house is cold, just stand in the corner. It’s always 90 degrees there.

Why should you never throw grandpa's false teeth at a vehicle? You might denture car.

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have.” So I went in as Batman.

What do you call a happy cowboy? A jolly rancher.

What's a cat's favorite instrument? Purr-cussion.

I went to the aquarium this weekend, but I didn’t stay long. There’s something fishy about that place.

What's the best thing about Switzerland? The flag is a big plus.