AG

Ugh... I hate Anons so much, they're annoying as fuck.

My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my sister.

What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

Where did Joe go after getting lost on a minefield? Everywhere.

You know you’re not liked when you get handed the camera every time they take a group photo.

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.

When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.

My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right.

When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on outings.

Want to know how you make any salad into a caesar salad? Stab it twenty-three times.

It’s important to establish a good vocabulary. If I had known the difference between the words “antidote” and “anecdote,” one of my best friends would still be alive.

Why did the man miss the funeral? He wasn’t a mourning person.

What does my dad have in common with Nemo? They both can’t be found.

Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face, like when you push them down the stairs.

I don’t have a carbon footprint. I just drive everywhere.

Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight. Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.

Today, I asked my phone “Siri, why am I still single?” and it activated the front camera.

My grief counselor died. He was so good, I don’t even care.

I just got my doctor's test results and I'm really upset about it. Turns out, I'm not gonna be a doctor.