ֆɛȶɦ - 𝕊𝕄𝔾

"A friend with weed is a friend indeed"

"Don't have sex" -Jake

*God creates dog* God: "You are man's best friend"

Dog: "That's pretty sexist"

God: "No, man as in- You know what, FUCK IT! You can't speak"

Dog: "....."

God: "And chocolate kills you!"

Dog: "🐶"

"Just ditched a women. Feelin good!" -Techno

"When God sends me to hell...I want him to hesitate." -Techno

"Officer I dropped kicked that child in self defense." -Techno

Fat person: "Hey, whats up?"

Friend: "Your blood pressure"

I'm what they call a ✨️askhole✨️

A person who will consistently ask for your advice and wisdom, but then proceed to do the exact opposite of what you say

"Nice pants. Can I test the zipper?"

I'm not completely useless....

I can be used as a bad example!?

Me: *reading a sign* "Children are a gift from god" Me: "No, they are a gift from the underworld"

Mother: "Yeah I picked you up at the giftshop on my way out" Mother: "You are a spawn of Satan"

Some people are such "treasures" that you just want to bury them

I may not be your cup tea, but I am definitely your 10th shot if tequila

How to get rid of your depression: 1. Stop self pittying 2. Realize you can't 3. Fucking deal with it Your welcome

Roses are red The sun isn't shining My mental state Is rapidly declining