You're Jokes

I got a handjob from a blind woman the other day. She said, "It's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand." I said, "No love, you're just pulling my leg."

Bob and Brad loved baseball. When Brad was dying , Bob asked Brad to see if there was baseball in heaven. Brad died and two weeks later Bob woke up to Brad's voice. Brad said I've got good news. They do have baseball in heaven. Bad news is that you're up to bat next.

Father : I don't trust you, You poured your seed in my daughter's belly,. Son : But Paah you can't fire me. Father: You're lucky you're my brother too or I'd kill you.

My friend while we are shopping and I'm telling her about my mental illness: You're priceless When we get to the checkout: I'm actually $2.50

If a man says you’re ugly, he like you. If a woman says you’re ugly, she’s just jealous. If a child says you’re ugly, well, you’re ugly.

If you're American outside the restroom, what are you in the restroom?

European.

What are you on your way to the bathroom?

Russian

A pedophile and a little boy are walking into the woods late at night.

The little boy says, "I'm scared."

The pedophile says, "You think you're scared? I have to walk back alone!"

you're forehead is a 20-mile taxi ride from your eyebrows to your hairline.

What's the best thing you can do if you're feeling lonely? Watch a scary movie. You won't feel lonely anymore.

if you donate one kidney, everybody loves you, and you’re a total hero. but donate five, and suddenly everyone is yelling. geez!

I’m a family doctor and I wish I could help but... you’re an orphan

Broccoli is like anal sex.

If you're forced to have it as a child, you probably won't like it as an adult.

Why did the depressed person rob a bank? Because you're not killing yourself if a cop does it for you!

To the guy who stole my depression medication, I hope you're happy

Son: Dad, why did name my sister Paris? Dad: Because she was made there. Son: Thanks, Dad. Dad: You're welcome, Backseat.

Damn girl, are you a smoke detector? Because you're super annoying and won't shut up.

I know five fat people and you're three of them

When you’re hiding from the school shooter next to people who made fun of you for having an Android: “HEY SIRI”

The worst part about church is that you're constantly switching between sitting, standing and kneeling; I mean, why can't the priest just pick a position and f**k me already!