Depression

Anonymous

Wanna hear somethin’ ironic?

When one cutter tells another cutter to stop, but he himself can’t stop cutting.

6

Baby

billy teh moot

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.

Woman

Anonymous

A guy goes into his attic to clean it out and finds an old oil lamp. He thinks he could sell it instead of throwing it away, so he starts to rub it and out pops this genie. The genie says to him " Thank you for awakening me, I can grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude." The guy wishes for a billion dollars, the genie grants it. The guy then asks for a huge mansion with 2 Lamborghinis and 2 Ferraris, the genie grants it. The genie says “This is your last wish so really make this one count.” The guys says “Well I’ve always wanted to drive out to hawaiian islands, because airplanes scare me to death, so I would want a highway that could stretch from here all the way to the islands.” The Genie says “That is asking for quite a lot and I’m not sure if I can pull that off, Is there anything else you’d want?” The guy says "Well I’ve been married and divorced three times, and I just can’t understand what I’ve been doing wrong. I’ve given my ex-wives all the love and care that I could but in the end it was never enough. I would want to have the ability to understand women. The genie thinks for a few moments and says “Do you want a three or four lane highway?”

3

Twin Towers

Look! over there!

On 9/11 the Twin Towers ordered 3 pepperoni pizzas, one came in plain, the other came in late, the third went to the wrong address.

4

Name

Mr.Randoms

There once was a street named Chuck Norris-They had to change the name because no one crosses Chuck Norris and lives

4

Blood

Anonymous

I went trick or treating this year with friends. Good thing I dressed as a zombie … no one could tell that it was their blood

0

Twin Towers

MyMom

The twin towers are like my parents, only one came back.

5

Priest

BOB

Whats The Difference Between A Rabi And A Priest One Cuts Them Off And One Sucks Them Off

0

America

The Special

3 europeans come to America. They all get captured by native americans and they want to kill them. But the europeans beg to have their lives spared. The native americans agreed to not kill them on one condition: the europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit and they will be informed what to do with it. So the first guy comes back with a peach. The native american says "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass and he laughs, and the native americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The native american tells him the same thing. He laughs and the native american kills him. They both see eachother in heaven and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy so thats why I laughed, but you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, “Oh yea I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!”

See

pikachuplayz2

Did you hear the joke about helen keller? neither did she. Did you see that one coming? neither did she.

(shes blind and deaf)

4

Sister

Anonymous

So there was a kid named Bobby, and he was writing notes. He asked his mother, who was on a phone call, what is one plus one? She said I HATE YOU. Then he asked his brother what is 2 + 2, who was watching a Batman movie, said, NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU BATMAN! Then he asked his dad what is 4 plus 4, who was playing football, said 85 SMACK EM DOWN! Then he asked his sister 8+8, (she was playing with barbies), and she said, My buns are burning. Then he went to school and told her teacher the first note he wrote down. The teacher sent him to the principal’s office. The principal yelled, WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?! Bobby said, NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU BATMAN! The principal yelled, HOW MANY SPANKINGS DO YOU WANT?! Then he said, 85 SMACK EM DOWN! Then he walked away from the principal’s office and said, my buns are burning.

Sister

Anonymous

What did one cell say to his sister when she stepped on his toe? Mitosis!

2

Cannibal

Anonymous

two cannibals are eating a clown, when one cannibal looks up and asks the other cannibal…Does he taste funny to you?

1

Month

Daniel King

What is the smartest month?

April - No one can fool it.

America

Anonymous

3 people died and went to Hell. One of them is from America, the second guy is from Germany, and the third guy is from Afghanistan. The devil lets each person make a phone call to their loved ones in the country they came from but they will be charged. The American spends 10 minutes on the phone and is charged $20. The German spends 12 minutes on the phone and is charged $24. The man from Afghanistan spends half an hour on the phone and is charged nothing. The other two guys asked the devil why. The devil responded: “Local calls are free”.

2

Case

Isaac O.

Who are the fastest readers in the world?

9/11 victims, they went through 80 stories in 7 seconds. In case you didn’t see that one coming, don’t feel bad, they didn’t either

Michael Jackson

hee hee 100

whats the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag?

ones made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play with, the other one carries your shopping.

0

Bar

the condom guy

so two condoms walk by a gay bar, what does one condom say to the other, “hey, wanna get ‘shit-faced?’”

1

Cow

Anonymous

Two cows are out grazing in the field. One cow says to the other cow, “Aren’t you worried about this mad cow disease that’s been going around?” The other cow replied, “Why would I be worried about mad cow disease? I’m a rabbit!”

3

Difference

Anonymous

What’s the difference between a baby and an onion ?

One cries when you peel its skin off, the other makes you cry when you peel its skin off.