Joke

47. The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

48. Why can’t Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school? Because he’s dead.

49. “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” mean the same thing. Except at a funeral.

50. It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. But, I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

51. Never break someone's heart, they only have one of those. Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.

52. What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body? I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

53. When ordering food at a new restaurant, my wife asked the waiter what they do to prepare their chicken.“Nothing special,” he explained. “We just tell them they’re going to die.”

54. What is the difference between Iron man and Iron Woman? One is a superhero and the other is a simple command.

55. I'll never forget my Grandfather’s last words to me just before he died. "Are you still holding the ladder?"

56. Sorry, what’s the quickest way to get to the hospital? Easy, just stand in the middle of a busy road.

57. Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.

58. What’s the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? The wheelchair.

59. What's the difference between jelly and jam? You can't jelly a clown into the tiny car.

60. My grandma has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

61. What do you call inexpensive circumcision? A rip-off.

62. What did the woman with no hands get for Christmas? No idea. She hasn’t opened her present yet.

63. "I work with animals," the guy says to his Tinder date. "That's so sweet," she replies. "I like a man who loves animals. Where do you work?" "I'm a butcher," he says.

64. What’s the difference between a baby and a sweet potato? About 140 calories.

65. You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

66. Today was the worst day of my life. My ex got hit by a school bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver.

67. Why was the leper hockey game canceled? It was because of a face-off in the corner.

68. They say the surest way to a man’s heart is through the stomach. But, I find going through the ribcage a lot easier.

69. What's the last thing to go through a fly's head as it hits the windshield of a car going 80 mph? Its butt.

70. What’s the special dish in a restaurant for cannibals? Heads, shoulders, knees, and toes

71. Why are friends a lot like snow? If you pee on them, they disappear.

72. What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn’t matter what you call him, he won’t come anyway.

73. An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.

74. Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you. But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.

75. My senior relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying things like, “You’ll be next!” They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

76. Happy 60th birthday. At last, you can live undisturbed by life insurance agents!

77. Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to hit you. That's the punch line.

78. Dark humor is like food. Not everyone gets it.

79. The cemetery is so crowded. People are just dying to get in.

80. I was drinking a martini and the waitress screamed “does anyone know CPR?” I yelled, “I know the entire alphabet” and we all laughed and laughed. Well, except one person.

81. I know a fish that can breakdance! Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.

82. I childproofed my house. Somehow they still got in!

83. Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have no body to go with.

84. Cremation. My final hope for a smokin’ hot body!

85. Today on a drive, I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the people living there if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face. My parents are the worst.

86. People with Covid have no taste!

87. My favorite Disney movie is The Hunchback of Notre Dame. I love a hero with a twisted back story.

88. My girlfriend wanted a marriage just like a fairy tale. Fair enough. I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest.

89. I heard Sony is coming out with a new video game console to help us get through the pandemic. It's called the Plaguestation 5.

90. I’ve stopped making jokes about Covid to my brother. They flu over his head.

91. My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home.

92. I got a job at a library, but it only lasted 15 minutes. Turns out, books about women’s rights shouldn’t go in the Sci-Fi / Fantasy section.

93. I started crying when dad was cutting onions. Onions was such a good dog.

94. My daughter asked me how stars die. "Usually an overdose," I told her.