Compilation

Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

My wife is mad that I have no sense of direction, so I packed up my stuff and left. Right?

When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.

A priest asks the convicted murderer at the electric chair, “Do you have any last requests?” “Yes,” replies the murderer. “Can you please hold my hand?”

I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.