A family of 3, a dad, a mom, and a 12 year old son are driving in the car when the dad says, “How about we play a little game of two truths and a lie. It’ll be fun.” “Ok,” the mom and son reply happily. “Let me start,” says the son. “Ok, go ahead,” replies the mom. “I hate video games, I hate school, and I love junk food,” says the son. “Ooh ooh! You do love junk food, you do hate school, and you don’t hate video games.” Says the mom. “Your right!” He replies. “I’ll go next,” says the dad. I love your mom, you’re adopted, and my dad almost died in WWII.” “Hmm... Your dad did not almost die in WWII, obviously I’m not adopted, and you do love my mom.” Says the son. “The lie isn’t that your adopted.” Says the dad.
What do you call a dog with no legs ?
It doesn't matter he isn't coming to you.
A man needs to leave for lengthy a business trip, but his wife is saddened by this. She explains to him that if he isn’t home every night, there will be no way to satisfy herself if she feels horny. The man claims that she doesn’t need sex, because a dildo should work just fine. He quickly runs to the local gift shop and asks the cashier if the store carries anything really special. The cashier quietly pulls out an old box, and removes a wooden penis from inside. The cashier states that the dildo has been passed down in his family for generations, and was crafted by a witch deep within the Amazon jungle. The cashier sits up in his chair and shouts “Voodoo Dick, the door!” The wooden penis flies across the room, and begins to rapidly thrust itself in and out of the front door keyhole. “Voodoo Dick, the lamp!” The wooden penis flies up inside of the lamp on the cahsier’s desk, and once again, begins to thrust in and out. “Voodoo Dick, return to your box!” The wooden penis flies back into the box and the cashier closes the lid. The man chooses to buy the wooden penis, and just as he is about to leave, the cashier tells him a very important bit of information regarding the Voodoo Dick: “The cursed dildo can only be controlled through verbal commands, it is far too powerful to be moved by hand.” says the cashier. “You must never forget that!” The man nods and heads home. Later that day, the man explains to his wife how the sex toy works, and then leaves for his trip. A few days later, the wife becomes very horny, and opens up the box. She proceeds to shout “Voodoo Dick, my pussy!” The dildo zooms into her vagina, and pleasures her for roughly 6-8 hours. She soon begins to grow tired, and attempts to pull the dildo out of her. She pulls as hard as she can, but just can’t get it it. The wife panicks, and begins driving to the hospital with the wooden penis still inside of her vagina. A police officer pulls her over for speeding, and asks to see some identification. The wife exclaims “Help, help, there is a Voodoo Dick inside of my vagina and it won’t come out!” The officer raises an eyebrow in disbelief. “Voodoo Dick my ass, bitch.”
Yo mama so fat, when she plays Undertale, Omega Flowey's mouth isn't big enough to eat her!
i love how all these jokes about different accidents have happened but why isn't anyone writing about how much of an accident we all were! :)
What’s the difference between women and condoms ?
There isn’t a difference they’re both throw aways.
Stephen hawking isn’t dead he’s just can’t walk to the shop and get new batteries 🙄
A war isn’t about who is right, it’s about who is left!
Why did god create women with pussies? because 1. of-course, God is a MAN. 2. of-course, he isn't gay & 3. of-course, he is a perv too (for wanting more pussies)
Stephen Hawking isn’t dead, he’s just using VPN.
If a pregnant woman is under water, isn't she technically a submarine?
Actually, It isn't a bear joke, but bear with me here...
Stephen Hawkings isn't really dead, he's just rebooting
This isn't a joke.
Two blondes fell in a hole and one asked "It's dark in here isn't?" and the other one says "I don't know I can't see.
isn't eating a clock time consuming
My ceiling isn't the best... But it's up there!!!!
A very rich and famous comedian walked in to a Russian bar and asked for a vodka, but the bar man (a big fan of his) answered to him: - This vodka isn't good enough for you. - If it is good enough for you it is gudonov for me!
Two blondes fall down a well. One says to the other one, "Isn't it dark down here?" She replies, "I don't know. I can't see."
