Dying jokes

What’s the difference between Isaac Newton and the kid I kidnapped?

Isaac Newton died a virgin.

Why do orphans want to die?

Because they might see their parents in Heaven.

In the movie "Cars 2", there is a priest, which means car Jesus died for the sins of the cars.

Every woman will die in five seconds.

Mother: Dies.

Sister: Dies.

Girlfriend: Lives.

You: 🤬

How did Stephen Hawking die?

Somebody threw an EMP at him.

Why do we even live? We're just gonna die anyway, so what's the point?

What do Nelson Mandela and Paul Walker have in common?

They both died at 95.

I took my brother's vape, and now he is on the ground gasping for air. He acts like he is dying.

It’s been a terrible day today. My ex got hit by a bus and died.

Not only this, but the council cut my bus driver's permit!

If you're sleeping, and you fall in your dream, you may have died, and the angels dropped you.

Or you don't wake up, and you were on your way to hell.

Why did he die?

Because God made a mistake and pressed Ctrl+Z.

The reason Steven Hawking died is he lost his internet connection.

Stephen Hawking died because his WiFi ran out.

Died and came back sped. I call that rien-tardation.

Has anyone else ever been jealous when their laptop dies?

One day my friend said: "I want tacos from Katie's, you?" and I said no thanks and she left. I never saw her again. Today I remember that I saw her name on TV as one of the victims of suicide, then I remember her and my motto: "If I'm dying, you're dying with me, you got no choice." I NEVER ate tacos from Katie's again.

So, I am an emo dude, so I sit in the back of the class, and I talk to no one.

But one day this dude came up to me and tried to talk to me, so I just ignored him. Then he got really pissed off and said, "I'm gonna kill you." I was like, "You're gonna kill me just because I ignored you? Is your ego that big, wow?" He left. Then the next day he brought his goons with him and said, "Now you're dead." I ignored him again, and he said, "You will pay for this."

So the following day after school I was walking down the street back to my house. Then he and his goons tried to attack me, but then they died, so I kept on walking. I had some rope traps set.

This was the best day of my life.

This is why you never mess with emos. We have ropes everywhere.

*Breaking News!* - Apparently the first person in Melbourne has died because of the Coronavirus. In his house they found 1000 cans of food, 50 kilos of pasta, 80 kilos of rice, 300 toilet rolls and 50L of hand sanitiser which he had panic purchased from the supermarket and stockpiled "just in case".

The whole lot collapsed and buried him.

They finally released the audio recording from the black box in Kobe’s helicopter.

Apparently when the helicopter caught fire, Kobe was sitting right next to the only fire extinguisher. You could hear everyone screaming for him to put out the fire, but he couldn’t figure out how to use it. They begged and pleaded for him to give the extinguisher to anyone else... the last thing you hear is Kobe saying “I’d rather die than pass it!”

How did Stephen Hawking die? He lost internet connection.