Dying jokes
My grandfather never threw anything away, bless him. He died in the war holding on to a hand grenade.
I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”
I either want to hang, stab, or shoot myself. I'm dying to choose.
Stephen Hawking died because his wife misunderstood him when he said, "My Windows Needs Updating." She had the double glazing removed, and he fell out and died.
On Xbox Live, an orphan can say "they f-ed your mom," so you can say, "at least mine didn't die from it."
A man drinks beer and jumps off a tower, and he's okay. The other guy says, "Whoa, how'd you do that?"
He does it again, so the guy gets a beer, the same beer, and jumps off. He died.
The bartender looks at the original man who jumped off and says, "Superman, you're a real butthole whenever you're drunk."
What are you good at?
Dying. Dammit, I fail at that too.
Died and came back a cowboy, I call that reintarnation.
My grief counselor died. He was so good, I didn't even care.
So there I was, having a fantastic time going down on my nan.
When suddenly I got a nasty taste in my mouth.
"Wait a minute," I said. This distinctly tastes like horse semen.
Then it clicked.
"Ah, so that's how you died."
Why do they have fences around cemeteries?
Because people are dying to get in.
What's the difference between Jesus and the baby in my basement?
Jesus died a virgin.
Your dad died of hunger on the journey to find the milk.
(Bus Driver) What did you learn in school today?
(Kid) We learned that you are a sussy baka.
(Bus Driver) Oh yeah? Well, I quit!
(Kid) Quit what?
(Bus Driver) Living.
(Kid) But it was a joke!
(Bus Driver) Doesn't matter. I will die, but you will still be alive.
(Kid) Ok.
(Bus Driver) That was a joke, too!
So, a husband and a wife have three kids. The husband is on his death bed, and he looks up at his wife and says, "Honey, is our youngest son truly and honestly mine?" She says in response, "I swear on everything that is good and holy, our youngest son is yours." He dies peacefully.
Then she says under her breath, "I'm glad he didn't ask about the first two."
An orphan died. No one cared, why? Who is supposed to spread the word? His parents.
Don't make Iran jokes. My mom died by a rocket launcher. She was the best sharp shooter in the Iranian army.
How did Stephen Hawking die? Because he didn't charge his batteries.
Why did the sheep die? Cos he wasn’t pretty enough.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandpa, not screaming in terror like everyone else in the plane.