Dying jokes

Someone prank calls a general. The general hangs up and goes, "Kids these days have no respect for their elders. That's why I send them all to die."

"I'm sorry, Wendy, but I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die."

I'll never forget how my grandmother died. "This lemonade tastes like bleach..."

What's the difference between an orphan dying and a bag of groceries being dropped?

While most agree that both are unfortunate, people actually care when they drop their groceries.

When we die we get sent to heaven, but when Stephen Hawking died, he was sent to the cloud.

Stephen Hawking died crossing the road. He was hit by a Universal Serial Bus.

My friend died from an allergic reaction. He gave me an EpiPen while he was dying, so now I have something to remember him from.

Three men die at the same time and go to Heaven. St. Peter says to them, "It's going to be a long journey to heaven, so I will give you a good vehicle depending on how much you've cheated on your wives."

"We'll start with you, Michael. Since you were quite the womanizer and cheated on your wife multiple times, you will be getting a Toyota." The man, embarrassed, left in the Toyota.

"Nolan, you were better; you cheated on your wife twice, so I will give you a Mercedes. Now, as for you, Mark, you never cheated on your wife; you are an absolute saint, so I will be giving you a Lamborghini."

The man in the Toyota saw the man with the Lamborghini the next day crying like a child on his car, and he asked the man in the Lamborghini, "What the hell is going on?"

The man in the Lamborghini says, "I just saw my wife riding through the streets of Heaven on roller skates!"

Why did Stephen Hawking die?

He drove too far away from the wall.

Three blonde sisters die and are told by an angel that in order for them to go to heaven they have to pass all 100 steps. But each step has a joke, each joke gets funnier and funnier. And in order to pass them all, you can't laugh at any joke or else you go to hell. The blonde girls accept the offer.

So the angel begins telling them the jokes. One of the girls laughs at the 3rd step. The second blonde laughs halfway there. Finally, the last blonde was at the 100th step. The angel said, "This is the last step. If you laugh you will go straight to hell with your sisters and if you don't you can pass." The blonde agrees and the angel starts to tell the joke, "What do you ca..." Out of nowhere the blonde starts bursting out laughing. "Why are you laughing? I haven't even finished the joke yet!" The blonde replies, "I just got the first joke!"

What do you call a dancing cow that dies while dancing?

Dead mooves.

I feel bad for the people who died in 2001. Those poor terrorists died doing their job.

I SH so much, even when I die and become a ghost, you can see red stripes floating around the room.

So, my best friend's boyfriend broke up with her, and she started to cry.

So I told her a "single" joke, then she said, "Go and fucking die, you insensitive bitch!"

I later said, "Ugh, fine, as your BFF, I will break his body for you—happy now?"

She said, "*sniff* yes."

On the lines of "I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous,"

I'm dying to live forever!

Jack and Jill went up the hill to go and swim in some shit. Jack forgot to bring some goggles and floaty, and now they have a daughter.

Secret: Jill didn’t go in the shit yet. Jack went in first and died! :D

Is it necrophilia if they die while you're having sex and you just don't realize?

That's what happened to my dog.

What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just killed?

Isaac Newton died a virgin!😎

My girlfriend's dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one.

She went mad, "What am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

My grandfather died in 9/11.

He was a great pilot.