Dying jokes

Lord

    • After a lord comes back from vacation, he meets the gardener at the gates of his park.

    Lord: "Has something happened while I was gone?"

    Gardener: "Ah, nothing much, I just broke a shovel while I was burying your dog."

    Lord: "My dog died?!"

    Gardener: "Yes, it choked on the smoke when your mansion burnt down."

    Lord: "My mansion?! How?!"

    Gardener: "Well, your wife was distraught and dropped a candle on the curtains."

    Lord: "Why was she so distraught?"

    Gardener: "She received the news of your daughter being kidnapped."

    Lord: "My daughter! Don't you have any positive news for me?!"

    Gardener: "Oh right! Your cancer test results!"

  • 4

    • Nun

    • A priest and a nun are traveling across the desert on a camel, and when all of a sudden the camel dies. They’re in the middle of the desert with no hope of rescue when that night the priest thinks to himself that he can’t die a virgin. He looks over at the nun and pulls out his penis. The nun says, "Father, what is that?" He says, "This, sister, is the wand of life." The nun says, "Good, now go stick it in that camel's ass and let’s get the hell out of here!"

  • 2

    • Phone

    • What's the difference between my phone and my sister?

    I actually give a damn if my phone dies.

  • 5

    • Man

    • A Person that puts a RickRoll in a book is actually the hero we all needed...

    A page of text detailing the life and work of Niels Bohr, a prominent figure in physics.
  • 9
    • Dying memes

    Feet

    • Why do they bury Germans 20 feet down when they die, instead of the usual 6 feet? Because deep down, Germans are ok.

  • 0

    • Phone Call

    • Three people died and went to Hell. One of them is from America, the second guy is from Germany, and the third guy is from Afghanistan. The devil lets each person make a phone call to their loved ones in the country they came from, but they will be charged. The American spends 10 minutes on the phone and is charged $20. The German spends 12 minutes on the phone and is charged $24. The man from Afghanistan spends half an hour on the phone and is charged nothing. The other two guys asked the devil why. The devil responded: "Local calls are free."

  • 10

    • Suicide

    • My friend said he wanted to die, and I told him not to jump. But when he screamed, "Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville, and welcome to Jackass!" I knew it was over.

  • 3

    • Mosquito Net

    • If only they had more mosquito nets in Africa, we could prevent millions of mosquitos dying needlessly of AIDS...

  • 1

    • 9/11

    • People joke about 9/11, but it's not funny. My dad died in 9/11. Best pilot in Saudi Arabia.

  • 0

    • Death

    • Birthdays are weird. We celebrate being one year closer to dying. And we celebrate it with friends and family, which is totally not how we'll die.

    We're all gonna die alone, not surrounded by friends and family.

  • 2

    • Girlfriend

    • My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me and said, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

  • 3

    • Necrophilia

    • Is it necrophilia if they die while you're having sex and you just don't realize?

    That's what happened to my dog.

  • 6

    • Week

    • I have the best life coach ever, because he taught me to not care. He did it so well that he died last week, and I still don’t care.

  • 0

    • Grenade

    • There were three people on the third floor of a building. The first one took a bite of an apple, then said it was too hard, so he threw it out the window. The second person took a bite of a lemon. He said it was too sour, so he threw it out the window. The third guy was drunk. He took a bite of a grenade and thought it was too crunchy, so he threw it out the window.

    Then one of them went downstairs. He saw a dog laying on the ground dead. The apple had hit the dog in the head. Then there was a little girl crying with her cat in her lap. It had died because the lemon fell out the window and hit it in the head. Next, there was an old guy laughing. I asked him why he was laughing. He said, "I farted and the building behind me blew up."

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