the orphan: why don't my parents love me? me: because you don't have any
Billy: I'm so use to having you in bed with me, I don't know if I'm ready for this long distance relationship
Sally: Ohh, don't worry brother, I'll just be right down the hall...
A bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here!”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
Daughter: Mommy?
Mom: Hey
Daughter: What kind of kids do they use to make sour patch kids?
Mom: They don’t use kids to make sour patch kids
Daughter: Oh that’s why the ones I made taste kind of funny...
What is the one kind of work orphans don’t know, homework.
I want to die peacefully like my uncle but I don’t own a car or have a garage.
When someone tells me to kill myself
Panic! At The Disco: Don't Threaten Me With A Good Time
Q: how come in airports,they park the planes outside? A: they don't belong in buildings
In Israel, they chop convicted rapists' balls off. Sure glad I don't live in Israel.
Why do cows wear bells? -- Because their horns don't work.
My friends say they don’t like my skeleton puns.
I should put a little more backbone into them.
What's the difference between a paycheck and your penis? You don't have to beg your wife to blow up the paycheck.
Why don't skeletons fight each other? They don't have the guts
What did the kid without hands get for Christmas? - I don't know, he still didn't open his present...
guys don’t let nobody hurt you with words like someone once said sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me
Man 1: why don’t we just put all the dept in the world on one man then kill him? Man 2: we tried that once it started a cult
When I get suicidal everyone worrys I don't know why becasue that is when I'm the happpiest thinking about death
Why are Muslims not fond of American cops?
Because Muslims don't like pigs!
I would tell you a joke about unemployed people, but they don’t really work.
I bought some sneakers from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been trippin' all day.
