Roses are red, violets are blue; blood’s thicker than water, so yeah, I got you.
*God creates dog* God: "You are man's best friend"
Dog: "That's pretty sexist"
God: "No, man as in- You know what, FUCK IT! You can't speak"
Dog: "....."
God: "And chocolate kills you!"
Dog: "🐶"
What does Yoda say when he’s at the strip club? Dirty bitch, you are
Why are autistic kids a stupid, brainless, special freak
Scientists have proven that there are two things in the air that have been known to cause women to get pregnant: their legs.
They say the only curves Daveon likes are on his credit card statements.
I was sitting on my own in a restaurant, when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.” I wrote back, “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”
Me: *reading a sign* "Children are a gift from god" Me: "No, they are a gift from the underworld"
Mother: "Yeah I picked you up at the giftshop on my way out" Mother: "You are a spawn of Satan"
