My suicidal friend said he liked trains, so we took him to the tracks.
Fellow
Goodbye guys, I'm out of this dump. (this was a lie, I'm back)
If someone is bullying you for being fat, remember, you're the bigger person, a MUCH bigger person.
Why were the Twin Towers mad?
Because they ordered pepperoni and got plane. (Yes, it's "plain," shut.)
Alcoholics don't run in my family, they drive.
Five more days.
What do you call a virgin from Alabama? An orphan.