If you ever feel depressed, drink some coffee.
Expresso Expresso, no more depresso!
Yeetus
Americans be like: Here is the US, we drive on the right side of the road.
England be like: Here in the UK, we drive on the left side of the road.
Russians after a car accident be like: Here in Russia, road is road.
The mirror says: if you break me, you will have 3 years of bad luck.
The Magic Jewel says: if you break me, you will have 10 years of bad luck.
The condom just sitting there laughing.
What is the difference between a dead baby and an orphan? The dead baby happened on purpose while the orphan came out as an accident!
What is the difference between peanut butter and a dead baby? One sticks to the roof of you mouth, while the other one doesn't!
What do dead babies amd fruit have in common? Both can become smoothies with the help of a blender!
Yo momma's so short that she fell off the toilet and broke her leg.
Why was the duck fired from the train station?
He was a bad conducktor!
Q: What do you call a cow stuck on a barb wire fence?
A: Udderly destroyed
Things you say before sex, Disney addition:
Have you seen my Mousecatool? Oh Toodles?
Yo momma's so skinny that even Flat Stanley gets jealous!
A girl was going through some really bad health issues at her house. It got so bad that she had to be rushed to the hospital. Her husband found out about this after work and went to check on her. When he got there, the desk lady immediately pointed down the hall to a doctor. The guy walked up to the doctor, "Are you the one taking care of my wife?" The doctor glanced away from his papers, "Yes, that would be me. But I am afraid that she is in very bad condition. I have bad news and good news. The bad news is that she will have to be wheeled around in a wheel chair. Also, she can't eat normally. Taking care of her will become very hard. Basically ot will be like taking care of a big baby." Shocked, the guys says, "Wait, if that's the bad news, than what is the good news?" The doctor goes, "I'm just kidding with you, she died!"
A kid is learning about planets in school, when he hears the planet Uranus. Knowing it's the perfect opportunity for a joke, the kid replies, "Where's my Anus?"
Which is redder: a baby or a red car? It depends on how the baby was killed!
There was once a small earthquake, but when I got outside, I realized my brother was still stuck inside. When I told my mom, she just said, "It doesn't matter, your my favorite anyway!"
Yo momma's so old that even scientist's get baffled about where she lived before Earth was created.
In the year 2020, who were the biggest enemies?
Corona Virus and toilet paper.
Maybe Soy Milk is just milk introducing itself in Spanish! (Soy means "I Am" in Spanish)
My sister is really disrespectful, and her famous words are "Your not my parent!" The next time she says this, I'm going to respond back with, "Your right, because I would have worn a condom to protect from you being born unlike my dad did!"
Yo momma's so fat that she got married to diabetes!