Why did Adele cross the road? To say hello on the other side.
Uncle Jokes
I will always remember my grandpa's last words. SHIT, THE LADDER IS FALLING!
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl in the bathroom? Because the P is silent.
Why did the cow cross the road? To get to the udder side.
Nobody finds that one funny.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
Two of the worst jokes ever.
Good afternoon. My name is Russell. And I am a wilderness explorer of Tribe 54, Sweat Lodge 12. Are you in need of any assistance today, sir?
Why did the mummy leave his tomb after 3000 years? Because he thought he was old enough to leave home.
That is one of the very, very, very, very, VERY WORST jokes ever.
What is a vampire's favourite animal? A giraffe.
What is a vampire's favourite fruit? Neck-tarines.
Those two jokes are not funny at all!
What did 0 say to 8? Hey, nice belt!
Doctor, doctor! I feel like a pair of curtains! Well, pull yourself together, then.
Doctor, doctor! My brother's crazy! He thinks he's a chicken. Is he egging around? Yes, but we need to get the eggs.
Woman: Doctor, doctor! I keep thinking I'm an elephant! Doctor: Run around the room. Then the woman stomps around the room and breaks things.
Doctor, doctor! I fell like a bell! Shall I ring you, then? When can you ring me up?
Doctor, doctor! I have a ball stuck in my throat! Shall I bat it and get a run, then?
Why did the cow cross the road? To get to the udder side.
Nobody likes that joke.
A man gets arrested after writing "MORBID JOKES COMING OUT THIS TIME NEXT YEAR" and "I'm gay!"
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
A duck walks into a bar and says "Got any bread?" The bartender says "No bread here." And then the duck says "Got any bread?" And the bartender says "Didn't I just f***ing say that there was no bread here?" And the duck says "Got any bread?!" And the bartender says "You stupid duck! Or should I say d***? There's no bread here. Don't make me say that again, or I'll pin you to the wall with a nail." So the duck says "Got any nails?" And then the bartender looks surprised, and says "Of course I've got f***ing nails. Can't you see them?" And the duck says "Got any bread?" And the bartender throws the duck out of the bar.
Roses are red, Larry is bad. I'VE GOT A GUN, get in the van.
An ugly man with a gun walks into a bar. He sees a woman, and falls in love with her. Man: Hey, cute lady! Woman: Leave me alone, you ugly two faced man! I already have a boyfriend. Man: Not for long! And then the man shoots the woman's boyfriend. Woman: How dare you murder such a beautiful man! Man: Now you shall be my girlfriend. Woman: Never. And then the man takes the seat that the woman's boyfriend was sitting in before. Man: You look like a dream. Woman: Then open up your ugly eyes and stop sleeping, murder. Man: What's it like being the most beautiful girl in the world, compared to all those ugly woman? Bleuch! Woman: What's it like being the ugliest mother f***ing murder in the world, compared to all those beautiful men? And then the man orders flowers and candy. Bartender: We don't serve flowers, or candy. And the man shoots the bartender. Another man can't believe what he just saw, so he strangles the first man, and throws him out.
A man told his love interest she looked beautiful. And then his love interest told him she had loads of things to tell him. And after 3 minutes, she told him he looked fat, ugly, disgusting, creepy, and tiny. Then the police came and arrested her for saying that.
Man: I know how to please a woman. Woman: Then please leave me alone, you ugly two-faced hypocrite.
Man: I want to give myself to you. Woman: Sorry, I don’t like ugly peasants.
Man: Your hair colour is fabulous. Woman: I hate your hair colour, though.
Man: You look like a dream. Woman: Then open your ugly eyes and stop sleeping, hypocrite!
Man: I can tell that you want me. Woman: Yes, I want you dead.
R.I.P
Man: Hey, baby, what’s your sign? Woman: F*** you, pedophile!
Man: Your body is like a temple. Woman: Sorry, there are no services for pedophiles.
Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down, you little peasant.
Man: What’s it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar? Every other woman I see looks ugly. Bleuch! Woman: How dare you!
Man: Haven’t I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yeah, that’s why I don’t go there anymore. I saw you playing with boxes in the store room and saying "I AM KING OF THE WORLD!"
What did the boy goat say to his girlfriend? You're my boo.
Five little monkeys jumping on a bed, one fell off and bumped his head. Mummy called the doctor and the doctor said "I'm gay!"