Worst Jokes Ever
What kind of fruit can fix your toilet?
A plum-mer.
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn't peeling well.
Yo mama is so old, when I told her to act her age, she died.
Yo mama is so stupid that she called pest control for gym rats.
What’s another name for a woman giving birth?
Unloading the dishwasher.
Why are there so few Arab soldiers? Because they always commit suicide on their first day.
What are women allergic to and always try to dodge?
Accountability.
What is the difference between a prostitute and a wife?
A prostitute will fulfill your needs with your money; a wife will fulfill her needs with your money.
Teacher: "What's your name?"
Student: "Hang on a second."
10 seconds later:
Teacher: "Is something wrong?"
Student: "Hang on a second!"
20 seconds later:
Teacher: "Don't say a word!!!"
Student: "Hang on a second!!!"
Teacher: "Come here and tell me your name right now!!!"
Student: "Hang on a second!"
Teacher: "Don't call for help!!!"
Student: "Just listen to me!"
Teacher: "Go on, speak!"
Student: "Hang on a second!"
Teacher: "Don't push my patience; this is no joke!!! Tell me your name right now!"
Student: "Hang on a second!!!"
Pro marriage tip: Let your wife know you’re all about women’s rights, especially the right to remain silent, because all appliances should be silent.
What do sped gymnasts wear?
A Reotard.
Why is it so hard to play hide-and-seek in an orphanage?
Because nobody is looking for them.
What did the 12-year-old boy say to the priest?
Nothing, because his mouth was full.
I love vegans because they save more meat for us.
Why do white people get abducted by aliens?
Because they're easier to see in the dark.
What is the difference between gross and kinky according to a Canadian?
Using a toothpick to remove human feces between your teeth after licking another person's ass is gross, but performing a blowjob on a man who is well-endowed while he is eating a tuna fish sandwich, with maple syrup instead of mayonnaise, is kinky.
What do Woody and Hitler have in common?
Their bodies go limp before they get caught.
What kind of beer is an orphan's favorite?
Foster's!
Why did the terrorist cross the road?
To get to the airport!
Wife: "Did you notice that the child is actually not yours?"
Husband: "I've been suspecting this for a long time. Finally you admit it."
Wife: "What are you talking about? I asked you to pick up our child from the kindergarten. But the child you picked up is not ours!"