Worst Jokes Ever
Why can't orphans play baseball?
Because they have no home to run to.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
No one.
No one who?
No one who?
What is the most unrealistic thing about Harry Potter?
A ginger with friends.
A project manager, a mechanical engineer, and a computer scientist are on a road trip through the mountains. As they're going down a pass, the brakes suddenly fail. The car goes off the road and crashes down into the valley. A bit dazed, the three of them get out.
The project manager says, "Well, the best thing to do is to have a meeting and assess the situation."
The mechanical engineer replies, "Nonsense, I have my pocketknife, I'll fix the brakes with that."
Then the computer scientist comes along and says, "Why make it so complicated? Let's push the car back up the road, get in, and see if it happens again."
Do you know why most men are impressive cooks?
Because with two eggs and a sausage, they can keep women full for 9 months.
There are three Mexicans in a car. Who's driving?
The cop!
Steve Jobs would've been a better president than Trump...
But I guess comparing apples to oranges is unfair.
Why do trannies suck at being soldiers? Because they have a 41% casualty rate.
What does a gay guy and an ambulance have in common?
They both get loaded from the rear and go...woo woo woo.
What did Scorpion say to the ugly person?
"STAY OVER THERE!"
One day, a cop pulls a van over, and when he walks up to the window, he sees ten penguins in the back.
The cop asks the man, “Are those your penguins?”
The man says, “Yes, they are my pets.”
The cop replies to the man, “You need to take them to the zoo right now.”
So the man agrees and drives off. The next day, the cop pulls over the same van, and he walks up to the window and sees the ten penguins all wearing sunglasses.
The cop says to the man, “I thought I told you to take those penguins to the zoo.”
The man says, “I did! Today, we are going to the beach!”
Why is Hitler a better person than Jeffrey Epstein?
At least Hitler killed himself.
Husband: "Honey, I just bought these special Olympic-style condoms!"
Wife: "Olympic-style condoms? What makes them so special?"
Husband: "They come in three colors: gold, silver, and bronze."
Wife: "Ooh, sweet. What color are you going to wear tonight?"
Husband: "Gold, of course!"
Wife: "Why don't you wear silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change."
A man is on his death sentence, and he gets to choose his last meal.
He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life. They never found a working machine.
Why do Americans always win gold at the shooting Olympics?
Because they practice at the best schools.
Why do black people have nightmares? Because the last person who had a dream got shot.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I'd come in fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.
What do Christmas lights and Jeffrey Epstein have in common?
They don’t hang themselves.
What’s the best thing about dating an orphan?
You don’t need parental consent.
A young man was crossing the road when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I will turn into a beautiful princess." The man took the frog, smiled at it, and put it in his wallet.
The frog called out again, "If you kiss me and I turn into a princess, I will live with you for a week and do everything you want." The young man took the frog out, smiled, and put it back.
Then the frog called out, "Okay, okay! I will be with you and do whatever you want forever!" The young man laughed and put it back in his wallet.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is wrong with you? I'm offering to be a beautiful princess! Why won't you kiss me?"
The young man said, "Listen, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is pretty cool."