What's the difference between an amateur thief and a professional thief?
The amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!" The professional thief says, "Sign here please."
Lawyer Jokes
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. -- I lost my case.
What do the initials ACLU stand for?
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American Communist Lawyers Union.
Mickey and Minnie are getting a divorce. The divorce lawyer says to Mickey: "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie because she is crazy," to which Mickey responds: "I'm not divorcing her because she's crazy, I'm divorcing her because she's f**king Goofy."
You find yourself stuck in a hole with a murderer, a rapist, and a lawyer. You're armed, but you only have 2 bullets left. What do you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
Donald Trump is proudly anti-woke. He has been falling asleep in his court cases every morning!
Your move, Ron DeSantis.
A boy is about to be sentenced for killing his parents. He begs the judge to spare his life. The judge asks for one good reason he should be shown any mercy. The boy replies, "Iām an orphan, your honor."
Why do lawyers use Viagra? To grow taller.
What does an apple and a lawyer have in common?
They both look good hanging from a tree.
A drunk walks into a bar and says, "All lawyers are assholes!" A guy at the other end of the bar says, "I resent that!" The drunk says, "Why, are you a lawyer?" and the other guy says, "No, I'm an asshole!"
What do you get when you combine a priest and lawyer? A Father-in-law.
I got arrested on suspicion of attempted rape all because I was carrying some cable ties, a bit of tape and a piece of cloth. It's such a joke, I hadn't even bought the chloroform yet.
A man was in a courtroom. The judge said, "What should this man's punishment be?"
A random guy yelled, "Off with his head!"
The judge said, "He shall give head to every man in this room."
The guy yelled, "Wait, that's not what I said!"
Mickey Mouse is speaking with a divorce attorney...
...and the attorney says, "I'm sorry Mickey, I've gone over all of Minnie's medical history and I find no evidence of mental illness."
To which Mickey replies, "I didn't say she's crazy! I said she's fucking Goofy!"
I told the judge I thought she was unconscious before she woke up crying. The judge asked: "Why didn't you drug her again so she would forget?"
A guy was on trial for murder, and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.
After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's house, told him what a great job he had done, and paid him the $10,000.
The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all thought he was not guilty and wanted to let him go.
"Sir, in court, all your answers must be oral, okay?"
"Ok."
"What town did you grow up in?"
"Oral."
What did the lawyer name his twins?
COURTney and CASEy.
The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
Why do sharks never attack lawyers? -- Professional courtesy.
