What's the difference between a amateur thief and a professional thief?
The amateur thief says, "Give me all your money!" The professional thief says, "Sign here please."
I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. -- I lost my case.
Mickey and Minnie are getting a divorce. The divorce lawyer says to Mickey: "Mickey, you can't divorce Minnie because she is crazy" to which Mickey responds: "I'm not divorcing her because she's crazy, i'm divorcing her because she's f**king Goofy.
You find yourself stuck in a hole with a murderer, a rapist, and a lawyer. You're armed but you only have 2 bullets left, what do you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
A boy is about to be sentenced for killing his parents. He begs the judge to spare his life. The judge asks for one good reason he should be shown any mercy. The boy replies, "I’m an orphan, your honor."
what does an apple and a lawyer have in common?
they both look good hanging from a tree
What do you get when you combine a priest and lawyer? A Father in law
Donald Trump is proudly anti-woke. He has been falling asleep in his court cases every morning!
Your move, Ron DeSantis.
I got arrested on suspicion of attempted rape all because I was carrying some cable ties, a bit of tape and a piece of cloth, it's such a joke, I hadn't even bought the chloroform yet
I told the judge I thought she was unconscious before she woke up crying. The judge asked: why didn't you drug her again so she would forget?
a man was in a court room, the judge said, ''what should this mans punishment be?'' a random guy ''OFF WITH HIS HEAD'' judge ''he shall give head to every man in this room'' the guy ''WAIT THATS NOT WHAT I SAID!!!''
"Sir, in court, all your answers must be oral, okay?"
"Ok."
"What town did you grow up in?"
"Oral."
What did the lawyer name his twins?
COURTney and CASEy.
The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.
Why do sharks never attack lawyers? -- Professional courtesy.
What do you do if you see someone raping your girlfriend? Help out. There is no way she can fight both of you. Then, find the poor man a lawyer.
What does a lawyer defending a killer and a password have in common? They're case sensitive
Hi, I'm Saul Goodman. Did you know that you have rights? The constitution says you do, and so do I. I believe that until proven guilty, every man, woman, and child in this country is innocent. And that's why I fight for you, Albuquerque!
If you get a divorce with your husband, does that still mean you’re siblings?
Judge: We shall now sentence you for the murder of your parents. Accused: Please consider a lenient sentence, your honour. Judge: But why? Accused: Because I’m an orphan. 🥱🫤
