Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day.
Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
Why do Mexicans always cross the border in twos? -- Because the sign says No Tres passing.
What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? -- Well, the flag is a big plus.
Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
If you’re waiting for the waiter at a restaurant, aren’t you the waiter?
Why did the blind man fall down the well?
He couldn't see that well.
Do gay midgets come out of the cabinet?
What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
Virgin mobile.
Some people think prison is one word, but to robbers, it's a whole sentence.
Stephen Hawking’s death was purely accidental. He clicked “shut-down” instead of “sleep”.
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
I was very lonely so I bought some shares. -- It's nice to have a bit of company.
I made a website for orphans, unfortunately it doesn't have a homepage.
Roses are dead, violets are dead. I am a bad gardener.
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? -- Because they lactose.
Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys. -- I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.
The three unwritten rules of life:
1. 2. 3.
My girlfriend treats me like God. -- She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.
Why do midgets laugh when they run?
Because the grass tickles their balls.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
