Short jokes

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.

Two artists had an art contest. It ended in a draw.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig? -- The letter F.

How do you start a rave? Throw a flash bang into an epileptic children's ward.

Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"

Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."

Roses are dead, violets are dead. I am a bad gardener.

If you’re waiting for the waiter at a restaurant, aren’t you the waiter?

My cow just wandered into a field of marijuana. The steaks have never been so high...

I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.

"Rehab's for quitters, and I don't give up."

My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair. But I knew she'd come crawling back to me.

When I'm bored, I text a random number, "I hid the body... now what?"

Why are priests called father? Because it's too suspicious to call them daddy.

To whoever has my voodoo doll, please hold its hand.

If you had 10 chicken nuggets and Jimmy tried to steal one, what would you have? 10 chicken nuggets and a dead Jimmy.

New Teslas don't come with a new car smell; they come with an Elon Musk.

An old teacher asked her student, "If I say, 'I am beautiful,' which tense is that?" The student replied, "It is obviously past."

Titanic: "And I'm nominating everyone on board for the Ice Bucket challenge!"

I will always remember my grandpa's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"