Job jokes

Where do mermaids get a job?

At the kelp wanted station.

A guy asked me what I do for a living.

Now I'm not old enough to get a job, so I said nothing. He asked me again, so I said, "Your wife!" The guy goes to slap me, but his wife is standing right there. She instead slapped me and said, "You swore not to tell!"

Why was the computer late for work?

He had a hard drive.

If you were to ask me, "What is the easiest job in the world?", it would be an Australian psychiatrist.

"G'Day, G'Day...how you doing...no worries, next!"

What did the Alabama graduate say to the Tennessee graduate?

"Welcome to McDonald's, may I take your order please?"

As a straight son, one day I asked my mom, "Have you ever quit something that you did before?" My mom said, "No, I never quit anything." So I asked my when you give a blow job you ever spit, then my mom said, "What did I say? Quitters are for spitters."

What makes 9/11 an inside job?

Someone started calling it 10/7.

Why did the telemarketer cross the road?

I don't know.

I don't know either, but I hope there was a car coming.

So I was asleep and woke up and went to work. My wife left already to her job. I was driving my car and ran over someone. I woke up in my bed, realized it was all a dream.

20 minutes later I got a phone call that my wife got hit by a car.

Why can't orphans work at SC Johnson?

Because it's a family company.

"Prostitutes love their jobs; they're always having a blast!"

Why did the dwarf get a job at Lidl?

Because every Lidl helps.

What’s the difference between a job and a wife?

The job keeps sucking after 5 years.

I lost my job by giving up my seat to someone.

I didn't know you're not supposed to do that if you're a bus driver!

My girlfriend got ran over by a bus. I lost my job as a bus driver.

Why can’t orphans work at SC Johnson’s?

Because it’s a family company.

I have a really good construction joke, but I’ll have to post it later because I’m still working on it.

You should never date a prospector. They're all just gold diggers.

Wood-fired pizza.

How would pizza get a job now?

A man goes into a job interview and sits down.

The interviewer is looking over his resume and says, "I see here that there's a 4-year gap on your resume. What were you doing?"

The man says, "Oh, that was when I went to Yale!"

The interviewer is impressed and says, "That's great! You're hired!"

The man smiles. "Really? I'm so glad, because I really need this Yob."