Job jokes

What’s the difference between a job and a wife?

The job keeps sucking after 5 years.

As an older brother, I always gave my little sister advice. I always said to do your best and never quit. So one day I went to her room. I see my sister giving married men blow jobs.

I ask what are you doing? The married men said she is giving us blow jobs because our wives don't do it. My sister said you told me to do your best, and my best is to suck them dry. As a brother, I couldn't be more prouder.

Why are astronauts forgetful?

They're always spacing out.

A black dude shows up to a job interview for a watermelon farmhand gig, resume full of fried chicken joint experience. The boss asks, "Why should I hire you?" He stutters, "Uh, I got skills in... uh..." Before he can finish, a hulk-like, veiny, muscular, giant transgender man storms in, straps him to the interview desk with velvet cuffs, drips hot wax on his back from a candle shaped like a massive dick, and rams his ass relentlessly while whispering, "Welcome to the team, bitch. Your probation starts now."

I saw a kid crying yesterday, so I asked him where his parents were. God, I love working in an orphanage.

How many electrical engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That is the electrician's job. I am a specialist.

How many software engineers?

Again, none. It's a hardware problem.

How many computer programmers to change a light bulb?

Two, but one resigns halfway through the project.

I saw a kid crying. I asked him what's wrong, where are your parents? They paused and looked at me funny... GOD I LOVE WORKING AT AN ORPHANAGE.

I have a bunch of jokes about unemployed people. It's a shame they never work!

I had the worst day of my life. My 13 year old ex got killed and I got fired from my job as a police guard. Did I mention that we were in Syria?

So I was asleep and woke up and went to work. My wife left already to her job. I was driving my car and ran over someone. I woke up in my bed, realized it was all a dream.

20 minutes later I got a phone call that my wife got hit by a car.

Why did the man decide to work at a pizza place? Because he kneaded the dough!

Your momma is so slutty, they hired her as a condom tester.

A girl walked into a job interview. The interviewer said, "You are what we are looking for, but I need to test your skills." He hands her a pen. He said, "Sell me this pen." She puts it between her boobs.

We hired this boy to pick up dog poop. We just remembered that we don't have a dog.

My friend's daughter is taking a job in California parking cars. She says she wants to be a valet girl. For sure. For sure.

A fully grown bull Great White Shark is 15 feet long and can open its jaws up to 1.2 meters long. It could eat a small child in seconds. Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium...

My career is worth more than your adoption.

How much work does a skeleton get done?

A SKELE-TON!

Why couldn't the NASA astronaut enter his rocket to leave Earth?

There wasn't enough space to fly it.

I saw a kid crying and I asked him, "Where are his parents?"

God, I love working at orphanages!