Job jokes

I got a job at a library. I got fired after 15 minutes. They told me it was because I put women's rights in the fiction section.

Why did the Headless Horseman get a job?

He was trying to get ahead in life.

Why did the can crusher quit his job? Because it was soda pressing!

Why was the computer late for work?

He had a hard drive.

Where do mermaids get a job?

At the kelp wanted station.

A guy asked me what I do for a living.

Now I'm not old enough to get a job, so I said nothing. He asked me again, so I said, "Your wife!" The guy goes to slap me, but his wife is standing right there. She instead slapped me and said, "You swore not to tell!"

My stepdad took me to work, and he told me I could climb trees.

I woke up in a hospital. Wait, did I mention that my stepdad was a lumberjack?

I did a ton of work, a skele-ton.

If you were to ask me, "What is the easiest job in the world?", it would be an Australian psychiatrist.

"G'Day, G'Day...how you doing...no worries, next!"

What did the Alabama graduate say to the Tennessee graduate?

"Welcome to McDonald's, may I take your order please?"

Your mama is so ugly, she summoned Bloody Mary.

She handed her an application through the mirror.

Once I almost died. I'll give it another shot out of the gun to finish my job.

What is a gay man's favorite job?

A blowjob.

So I was asleep and woke up and went to work. My wife left already to her job. I was driving my car and ran over someone. I woke up in my bed, realized it was all a dream.

20 minutes later I got a phone call that my wife got hit by a car.

Every time I work late at the hospital, I help the patients sleep.

There isn't a snooze button on the beeping things, so I unplug them.

"Prostitutes love their jobs; they're always having a blast!"

A man walks into the taxidermist with two monkeys. The taxidermist asked if he wanted them mounted. The man said, "No. Shaking hands will be fine."

I lost my job by giving up my seat to someone.

I didn't know you're not supposed to do that if you're a bus driver!

Why did the dwarf get a job at Lidl?

Because every Lidl helps.

What’s the difference between a job and a wife?

The job keeps sucking after 5 years.