Work jokes

I had sex with my boss's daughter.

I didn't get fired. I'm self-employed.

Why can't orphans work at S.C. Johnson? Cause it's a family company.

I would tell you a construction pun, but I'm still working on it.

Where does a girl with one leg work?

IHOP.

I have many jokes about unemployed people, sadly none of them work.

Why did the gym close down? -- It just didn't work out.

Did you hear about the guy who got fired for having sex with his clients?

He was a great veterinarian.

I'd tell you a joke about unemployed people, but none of them work.

What has four legs and works at McDonald's?

The remaining members of Nirvana.

I'm a teacher at a high school, but I got fired. They told me I didn't do any work even though I always did a skele-ton.

Today was like every other day. It was so terribly long and so terribly dreary. I fear these feelings will never end. I’ll always feel so dark, feel so hopeless. Sometimes all I want is for it to end. For all of it to end, for all of my thoughts to end. I despise the way that always comes to mind. But I feel so lost, feel so hopeless. If something would just work. But nothing has worked. Nothing can fix this. These feelings will pass. These days won't feel so endless... or so absolutely heavy. Just give it some time. Just give it some hope... and some belief. The ‘happy pills’ will work. The doctor says they'll help... they'll help it go away. Just dump the pill in your hand. Let yourself place the little white thing on your tongue... Let yourself throw your head back and swallow. It'll make this better. It should make me feel better.

Everything has changed! The world is so bright— The world is so loud! I don’t know how I never noticed! The sun is so warm— The grass is so green! I feel so awake! I feel so content— I feel so happy! It’s so strange! I’m not anxious— I’m not overthinking! I guess those pills really worked! I think I’m really getting better— I think I’m really going to be happy!

Why was the computer late to work?

Because it had a hard drive!

Teacher: Tim, where are your parents? It's been 15 minutes!

Tim (Orphan): Yeah um, they can't come.

Teacher: Why not?

Tim: They're too busy working in heaven.

Why did the bullet end up losing his job?

Because he got fired!

Errrrrrrrrr my spine doesn't work.

Eeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Why did the suicide bomber get promoted?

Because he was blowing up at work. 💀😈

One time, I worked at the zoo and I was feeding the monkeys.

And one of them μяɨɲąţ€ď on me.

And I went to the hospital and got a bloody nose the next day.

Q: My dad woke up one morning about to go to work, but he was still really tired, so he decided the quickest way to wake him up was to slap him in the face.

So he asked me to do it, but I guess I don't know my own strength, and so he went back to sleep again...

A drunk guy is showing friends his new apartment.

The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.

"What's that gong for?" the friend asks him.

"It's not a gong," the drunk replies. "It's a talking clock."

"How does it work?"

The guy picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "For God's sake, you asshole, it's 3:30 in the god damn morning!"

I tried to search stuff about 9/11 for a research project, but it didn’t work... I guess the site crashed.