Death jokes

Two husbands walk into a bar.

The first one says, "My wife is an angel."

The second one says, "You're lucky, mine is still alive."

A wife asked her husband why he cheated on her. His reply was, "She was just lying there naked on the table, what was I supposed to do?" The wife replies, "Perform the fucking autopsy!"

What are the wedding vows of a suicide bomber?

Til death do we park.

I saw a sign the other day that said "Maximum penalty for smoking is £1,000."

But that's not right. Surely the maximum penalty for smoking is Death.

I have a fish that can break dance. Only for about 20 seconds, and only once.

What's white as snow within 15-25 mins after death and then black and blue and red all over?

A corpse, of course!

How are Kobe’s death and people in 9/11 the same? They both hit the ground really hard.

Chuck Norris would have died a couple of years ago, but death hasn't built up the courage to tell him.

What did death say during a helicopter crash?

KOBE!

I have a joke about death.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side.

Think about it :)

A guy goes into his attic to clean it out and finds an old oil lamp. He thinks he could sell it instead of throwing it away, so he starts to rub it and out pops this genie. The genie says to him, "Thank you for awakening me, I can grant you three wishes as a token of my gratitude." The guy wishes for a billion dollars, the genie grants it. The guy then asks for a huge mansion with 2 Lamborghinis and 2 Ferraris, the genie grants it.

The genie says, "This is your last wish so really make this one count." The guy says, "Well, I've always wanted to drive out to the Hawaiian islands, because airplanes scare me to death, so I would want a highway that could stretch from here all the way to the islands." The Genie says, "That is asking for quite a lot and I'm not sure if I can pull that off, is there anything else you'd want?" The guy says, "Well, I've been married and divorced three times, and I just can't understand what I've been doing wrong. I've given my ex-wives all the love and care that I could, but in the end it was never enough. I would want to have the ability to understand women." The genie thinks for a few moments and says, "Do you want a three or four lane highway?"

Paul Walker's death was a tragedy, but at least he went out in a blaze of glory.

Yo mamma so stupid, she starved to death in a grocery store.

I recently was told by my therapist to stop with the suicide jokes. So I replied with "Don't worry, it will all end soon."

Why do cemeteries have fences around them? People are dying to get in.

You should never try Afghan weed because people in Afghanistan get stoned to death.

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears, people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

"What did the blind, dumb, paraplegic, dead, eight-year-old child get for their birthday?"

"Cancer."

Three people explored the jungles, one was from France, one from Britain, and the other from America.

While exploring, they were captured by the tribe living there. The tribesmen told the three, "You three have invaded our territory, so we must kill you and use your bodies to create canoes. However, we aren't that heartless, so we'll let you choose your deaths."

So the French guy asked for a gun, pointed to his head, and said "Viva la France!" and shot himself. The Britain guy requested poison and said, "For the Queen!" and drank the poison. Lastly, the American asked for a spoon. The tribesmen were confused but still gave him the spoon. When the American got the spoon, he started stabbing himself, "Try make a canoe out of this one!"

What’s the difference between Isaac Newton and my Dad?

Isaac Newton didn’t beat me half to death with a pipe wrench.