Weight jokes

White girl: So this crystal cures my depression and helps me lose weight?

Me holding a rock of meth: YES!!!

Yo mama so fat, when I swerved to miss her, I ran out of gas.

Kelly Clarkson may be able to shed her weight [through pills], but she will never be able to shed the fact that she admitted herself that she molested her children when they were toddlers.

I saw a fat dude wearing a shirt that said "guess." I said 215kg, he didn't find it as funny.

Me: Stepping on a scale to weigh myself.

Everyone else in the minefield...

Fatty told Skinny, "Do you have any food? My stomach is empty and I haven't eaten."

Skinny replied to Fatty, "Well, doesn't seem like you need food, you ate the whole universe instead!"

Alfonso's mom is so fat that she stepped on the scale and the doctor said, "Oh shit, that's my phone number!"

Yo mama so fat, One Punch Man had to punch 3 times.

Your mom is so fat that she can't get internet because she is worldwide.

Yo mama so fat, when she joined NASA, they put her in orbit and the next day there was a lunar eclipse.

Oh, my fat joke offended you? Which one of your chins did I hurt?

Joe mama is so fat, Dora can't explore her.

Name an ant which is very heavy?

Eleph-ant.

Yo mama is so fat, she has her own personal gravity.

What's green, fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you?

A pool table.

Yo mama so fat she broke the stairway to heaven...

What's the difference between a child and a carrot? About 140 calories.

Yo mama so fat, she don't need the internet because she is already worldwide.

You're so fat the only letters of the alphabet you know are K, F, and C.

Your mom is so fat that when she fell on the sidewalk, nobody laughed, but the sidewalk cracked up.