Grandpa jokes

My grandpa was in 9/11. He was the best pilot.

My Grandpa killed 30 Air Force pilots in WW2. He was a very bad mechanic.

I went to a sleepover at my best friend's house. He lives with his grandpa and little brother, his mom and dad. His little brother likes to run around the house naked sometimes. I can't help but notice his grandpa always looks up when he does.

My great grandpa killed Hitler.

Grandpa: "You can't have phones within 15 feet of the table."

Me: "And you aren't allowed within 100 feet of the elementary school."

Grandpa said, "No phone near the table," so I said, "You're not allowed near the school."

I love my grandpa, he killed Hitler.

Little Johnny was living with his grandpa during the summer. Well, grandpa had a beer, and Johnny said, "Grandpa, let me get a sip of that." Grandpa said, "Well, lil Johnny, does your d**k reach your a**?" And lil Johnny said, "Well no sir." And grandpa said, then no, you can't.

Later that day, papaw (grandpa) had a cigar, and Johnny said let me get a hit of that, and papaw asked, "Well, Johnny, does your d**k reach your a**?" And Johnny said no again. Then papaw was shooting his gun, and Johnny asked if he could shoot it, and grandpa asked Johnny if his d**k reached his a**, and Johnny said no.

Well, after supper, Johnny's grandma made Johnny some ice cream (the most amazing bowl of ice cream EVER), and grandpa said, "Johnny, let me get a bit of that ice cream," and Johnny asked papaw, "Well, papaw, does your d**k reach your a**?" And papaw said, "Well, Johnny, as a matter of a fact, it does," and Johnny said, "Good, now go f**k yourself because you ain't getting none of my ice cream!"

My grandma said, "Hey, you want a Butterfinger cause I do?"

Me: Grandpa's in the kitchen if you want a finger.

Child: Goodnight Mommy. Goodnight Daddy. Goodnight Grandma. Goodbye Grandpa!

Dad: Wait, why are you saying that?

Child: I just felt like it.

The next day, the Grandpa is dead.

Dad: That's just a VERY scary coincidence.

Child: Goodnight Mommy. Goodnight Daddy. Goodbye Grandma.

Dad: Wait, why are you saying that?

Child: I just felt like it.

The next day, the Grandma is dead.

Dad: That's just a VERY scary coincidence.

Child: Goodnight Mommy, Goodbye Daddy!

Dad: Oh no. If I survive until tomorrow, everything will be okay!

Survives until tomorrow.

Dad: Whew! That was nice! *Goes to house*

Mom: Honey! I was so worried about you! The mailman just dropped dead on our porch!

(If you don't get it, the mailman is the biological father)

People say my dad left me and was never successful, but if you search up who destroyed the Twin Towers, he will pop up.

Also, my mom's great grandpa killed Hitler.

I was at school when I remembered I forgot my necklace, then I screamed out, "Shit, I forgot Grandpa!"

My grandfather has the heart of a lion!! 🦁

In a jar on his desk along with a lifetime ban from the zoo...

What did grandpa say before he died in the hospital bed?

"Boy, could you put my phone on charging?"

I want to die like my grandpa, with a blindfold and a wet sponge on his head.

Frank: "I am named Frank because my grandpa lived in Frankfurt during his best years."

Finley: "I am named Finley because my grandmother was in Finland during her early twenties!"

Mia: "Can we please change the subject?"

Yo mama so fat, her weight is angry grandpa's subscriber count.

My grandpa's last words before he died in Vietnam were, "What the fuck did I step on?"

Q. When is your grandfather's bedtime?

A. Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

My dad's the oldest, and when he was young, he shot my grandpa's balls off, but I thought about it. How does my dad have younger brothers?