Garden Jokes

Q: What's the best part about gardening?

A: Getting down and dirty with your hoes.

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins. I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it, but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

What do emos and apples have in common?

They both hang on trees.

What's a pedophile's favorite type of garden?

A kindergarden.

My fifth wife asked me to help her dig in the garden. Here we go again.

Roses are dead, violets are dead. I am a bad gardener.

So, a kid walks in the house and says, "Mommy, Mommy, I found daddy!" And the mother says, "Stop digging around in the garden, and let your father rest in peace."

I still remember my grandpa's last words: "Turn the lawn mower off!"

What do you call those dead pieces of green stuff left in the bottom of a bowl of Caesar salad?

The last romaines. Now lettuce pray for them.

SON: “Mommy, I found Daddy!”

MOM: “What did I tell you about digging in the garden?”

A girl and her brother are walking in their garden. POV: Brother. Sister: "Why are you cutting those flowers?"

Brother: "Because they're beautiful!"

Sister: "I thought you said you cut yourself because you aren't."

Brother:......

Roses are red, Violets are red, Sunflowers are red,

HOLY SHIT, MY GARDEN'S ON FIRE!

What do you call a vegan slut?

A garden ho!

I was digging a hole in the garden until I found some coins! I was about to tell my mum when I remembered I was digging a hole in the garden.

Why does Santa have three gardens?

So he can Hoe Hoe Hoe!

After a lord comes back from vacation, he meets the gardener at the gates of his park.

Lord: "Has something happened while I was gone?"

Gardener: "Ah, nothing much, I just broke a shovel while I was burying your dog."

Lord: "My dog died?!"

Gardener: "Yes, it choked on the smoke when your mansion burnt down."

Lord: "My mansion?! How?!"

Gardener: "Well, your wife was distraught and dropped a candle on the curtains."

Lord: "Why was she so distraught?"

Gardener: "She received the news of your daughter being kidnapped."

Lord: "My daughter! Don't you have any positive news for me?!"

Gardener: "Oh right! Your cancer test results!"

What runs around a yard without actually moving? A fence.

The bushes outside got jealous after they saw your eyebrows.

Little Timmy wanted to take a shower with his dad. His dad said, "Don't look down." Timmy looked down. Timmy said, "What's that?" Timmy's dad said, "That's Mr. Wiggles." Timmy wanted to take a shower with his mom. Timmy's mom said, "Don't look down." Timmy looked down. Timmy said, "What's that?" Timmy's mom said, "That's my garden." Timmy's mom said, "Don't look up." Timmy looked up. Timmy said, "What are those?" Timmy's mom said, "Those are her headlights." Timmy wanted to sleep with his parents. His parents said, "Don't look under the covers." Timmy looked under the covers. Timmy yelled, "MOMMY, MOMMY, MR. WIGGLES IS ATTACKING YOUR GARDEN! TURN ON YOUR HEADLIGHTS!"

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. I told her that, as a punishment, she won't eat butter for 1 month.

Today I saw her killing a cockroach in the kitchen. I told her "nice try".