A young boy was picked up by a strange young man who put him in his car and drove into an abandoned farm “This place looks scary” they kid said And the man replies” I know right, I have to walk out of there alone”
When you suffer from depression and Somebody tells you to just cheer up-- Me: my goodness, what an idea! why didn't i think of this before
So I hooked up with a girl at a party, but I forgot that it was a family reunion. (SWEET HOME ALABAMA STARTS PLAYING
A man walks into a bar with an alligator and a stick. He walks up to the bartender and offers to put on a show for the bar's patrons in exchange for a drink. The bartender agrees, so he pulls down his pants, sticks his dick in the alligators mouth and starts whacking it with the stick. After he's done and gets his drink he asks if anyone else would like a go.
A lady gets up and says yes she would like a go, asks that he doesn't hit her with the stick.
How do you help a suicidal person cheer up? You Tell them its a leap of faith
Johnny: Mommy, Mommy! What is incest? Mom: Shut up and keep licking.
I told my friend yesterday he's literally my dad.
He didn't show up for the rest of the year.
It's been raining for days. My wife is totally depressed. She keeps looking through the window. If this keeps up, I'll have to let her in.
My Xbox has been acting up lately...
So I painted it black to make it run faster
Hellen keller picked up a cheese grater, it was the most violent story she'd ever read.
Man walks up to a priest. The man says "I am Jesus Christ." The priest says "No you are not my son." The man says " Follow me." The man walks into the bar and the bartender says "Jesus Christ your back!"
(This is a fucked up pick up line) are you a building? Because I rate you 9/11
Why do trees never call emo kids?
The emos always hang up on them.
As a 13 year old, online dating is a tough thing.
Every time I meet someone new, they end up in jail.
My teacher gave us an assignment and one of the questions was "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I answered "Happy". The teacher said I didn't understand the test, I said to her that she didn't understand life
when you loose a game of Kahoot so you kashoot up the school
Me having a good day Going on a walk on a peaceful day* my depression: hey whats up! Me: go away. My depression: well how rude. Me: 🙄. My depression: remeber that one tim...... Me: no, dont even. My depression: that we..... Me: nope. My deprssion: *says really fast*:said that one stupid joke that wasnt funny and everybody just stared at you, and then you spilt water all over yourself and it looked like you peed yourself. And you went home and cried yourself to sleep just like yoy do every single night. Me: 😳😶😟. My depression: 😉 dont worry I'll always be here for you.
I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn't actually mine. Apparently I need to pay more attention during school pick-up.
In Saudi Arabia, our pick up lines are, Girl are you a terrorist? Cuz you da bomb
Me and my girlfriend were planning on having sex but I said me and my little brother share a bunk bed and he’s on the bottom. She said tell him we’re making sandwiches so we came up with a plan. Tomato means harder and cheese means faster. So we were having sex and she was screaming tomato tomato tomato cheese cheese cheese, then my little brother said can y’all stop making sandwiches your getting mayonnaise all over my bed.