Relationship jokes
A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to celebrate their marriage.
Nine months later, they happily had some use for their baby carriage.
Two years later, they went up again, then their daughter had a brother.
But one little secret that no one knew was that Jack and Jill share a mother.
In preschool, I confessed my love to my crush, and she rejected me. As heartbroken as I was, I sucked it up and went back to teaching.
Me, trying to interact with people: “Hey, are you a rope? Because I really wanna HANG with you.”
Person I’m talking to: *Pulling out phone to call suicide hotline* “haha what.”
My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are... But I laugh more.
Guys, my sister's pregnant!
I'm finally a dad!
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
Today my EX got trampled by a bunch of horses, and sadly I lost my job as a horse trainer.
1. My phone battery lasts longer than your relationships.
2. Oh, you’re talking to me? I thought you only talked behind my back.
3. My name must taste good because it’s always in your mouth.
I like my women like I like my coffee.
Dark, rich, and imported.
Money and my mom are kinda the same thing; they come and leave easily.
So there I was, fucking my sister, and she shouts, "God, you fuck like Dad!" I then said, "Damn, that’s what Mom said."
My new girlfriend is a porn star. She would probably kill me if she found out.
Me at the Oscars when I see Jada Pinkett Smith, I said: "G.I. Jane 2, more like G.I. Jada 2, can't wait to see it."
So Will Smith is laughing and then suddenly, Will Smith walks up to me and punches me in the face.
Me: "Ow, oh, wow. Will Smith just smacked the shit out of me.” My nigga Smith goes: "KEEP MY WIFE'S NAME OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!" Me: "Maybe you should focus on keeping her friends out of hers."
What do you call a single bisexual?
All bi myself.
What's the similarity between women and car parking spaces? The good ones are always taken, and sometimes when nobody's looking, you slip in the disabled one.
Depression hits harder than my dad.
What's the best part of dating a homeless girl?
You can drop her off anywhere.
I almost secretly married a watermelon, but I cantaloupe.
Why did Wi-Fi and the computer get married?
Because they had a connection.