A pedophile lures a group of Houston Girl Scouts with "Hey girls, would you like some candy?" They all agree and follow him to his neighborhood. There he offers them some more candy and they follow him to his house. Once again he offers them candy to go in to his house. In the lounge he offers them candy to go to his room. As he leads them up the stairs one of them pipes up and says "God, I hope we get laid before we get diabetes"
What's the similarity between women and car parking spaces? The good ones are always taken, and sometimes when nobody's looking, you slip in the disabled one
What's the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with boobs? -- One is a crusty bus station and the other is a busty crustacean.
There once was a street named Chuck Norris-They had to change the name because no one crosses Chuck Norris and lives
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? -- One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an exposition to the Amazon Forest. After a while they get lost. So as they are walking suddenly the bushes jump up into the air and men with spears are there. One man says "Hey, your in our sacred land. So what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren't that crazy so we will let you choose how you die." The man from France said, "bring me the poison." The man from Britain said, "bring me the gun" And the man from New York said, "bring me a fork" The guy was confused with the fork but still brought it the items and gave it to them. The guy from France said, "for the France!" And drank the poison and died. The man from Britain said, "long live the queen!" And shot himself and died. And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said "MAKE A CANOE OUT OF THIS YOU FUCKERS"
Did you hear the joke about helen keller? neither did she. Did you see that one coming? neither did she.
(shes blind and deaf)
One mans pet is another mans dinner - McNasty
pilot: *over intercom* we're all going to die
passengers: *start freaking out*
pilot: all of us will one day, no one knows when
passengers: *sigh with relief*
pilot: but it'll probably be when we hit that mountain
Don’t mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
I went trick or treating this year with friends. Good thing I dressed as a zombie ....... no one could tell that it was their blood
What does a robot do at the end of a one night stand? -- He nuts and bolts.
The furniture store keeps calling me back... But all I wanted was that one nightstand.
What’s one of the worst motivational things to say to a suicidal person?
“Hang in there!”
What do you call a necrophilic gangbang Cracking open a cold one with the boys
How many Karen's does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one...to call 911 and demand a cop come do something about the intimidating blackness
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders half a beer. The third one orders a fourth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says, "You guys should know your limits."
I had a huge crush on this girl when I was eight, one recess we met together on the playground and she brought me to the corner of the playground, that was my first kiss and from there it got serious. I told my parents a week later and they freaked out, called the police and they aressted my crush. I miss Mrs. Johnson
Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand? A: So she can moan with the other.
What did one butt check say to the other? “Between you and me it stinks in here”