Morbid jokes

Ever heard of the show "Naked and Afraid"? That's what I call hide-and-seek with my uncle.

What is the difference in having a granny fetish and necrophilia? A few weeks.

I was at a funeral for some kids in a school shooting. I don't understand why everyone was so sad, so I asked a lady, "what's so sad?" and she said "What do you think was running through these kid's heads before they died?" I replied "probably a bullet". She gasped and said "do you have any idea how insensitive that is? What do you think is running through their parent's heads?" I said "probably all the money they're losing from this funeral."

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his dick.

The bartender asks him why.

And the pirate says:

"Argh, It's driving me nuts."

Student: 503 bricks are on a plane. 1 falls off. How many are left?

Teacher: 502.

Student: How do you put an elephant in a fridge?

Teacher: No, you can't fit an elephant in a fridge!!

Student: Just open door, put elephant in, close door.

Student: How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?

Teacher: open door, put giraffe in, close door

Student: No! Open door, take elephant out, put giraffe in, close door.

Student: The Lion King is having a B-day party. All the animals are there, except one. Which one?

Teacher: let me guess the lion?

Student: No! The giraffe because He's in a fridge.

Teacher: WOW!

Student: Sally has to get across a large river home to many alligators. They are very dangerous, but Sally swims across safely. How?

Teacher: Sally stepped on the alligators mouth?

Student: The gators are at the party.

Student: But Sally dies anyway. Why?

Teacher: She drowned?!

Student: No! She got hit in the head by a flying brick.

When midgets smoke weed, do they get high or do they get medium?

Stop making 9/11 jokes, my father died in a plane crash.

Best pilot in Saudi Arabia.

How to fall down stairs.

Step 1. Step 2. Step 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.

My friend Jimmy said his dad is exactly like Santa. I asked, "Why is it because he gives people presents?" Jimmy told me, "No, it's because I hear so many good things about him and how he's gonna come home, but never see him."

China should be a baseball team because they can take out the whole world with just a bat.

A blind woman tells her boyfriend that she’s seeing someone.

It’s either really terrible news or really great news.

I opened a company selling landmines disguised as prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.

What do you call a group of redneck superheroes? The Inbredibles.

I showed my girlfriend my shotgun yesterday. It really blew her away.

There are some sounds that everyone loves... - Shoes on gravel. - Crackling of fire. - The snapping necks of those who think they can disrespect you. - Cats purring.

A boy and his mother survived a car crash.

The boy asks his mother, "Was that like how I was born? A hard smash?" The mother replies with "More like an accident."

When you hit a speed bump in a school zone and remember, there are no speed bumps.

What was the last thing to run through Osama bin Laden's mind? Probably a bullet.

I almost got caught watching porn. My mom got the bill for the account, but luckily dad had my back. I mean, we do use the same account.

Mama Mia's pizzeria and abortion clinic. Your loss is our sauce.