Morbid jokes
I love how in horror movies the person calls out, "Hello," as if the psycho will answer, "Hey, what's up? I'm in the kitchen. Want a sandwich?"
How do you make any salad into a caesar salad?
Stab it twenty-three times.
God creating spiders.
God: "Make it have 8 legs." Angel: "Ok? Bit excessive but ok." God: "And 8 eyes." Angel: "You need to calm down and li-" God: "Give it a butt rope!"
how do you fit 4 gay guys on a stool?
you flip it over.
Q: Do you know why people don't like abortion jokes?
A: Because they leave people with a feeling of emptiness inside.
Steven Hawking said there is no God,
Then God said there is no Steven Hawking.
What do you call a group of redneck superheroes?
The Inbredibles.
There's no "I" in team, but there is a "U" in cunt.
Aunt: Stop telling the kids Santa isn't real.
Me: Stop telling them their dad is going to get milk.
What does a wizard say when doing drugs? Injecto Patronum!
My doctor told me that I had to burn calories, so I took a fat kid and lit them on fire
If you're ever bored, punch an orphan. What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?
Men wake up with a boner.
Women wake up yawning.
Coincidence?
I'd tell you a joke about unemployed people, but none of them work.
A little boy and a little girl are taking a bath together. The little girl looks down at the boy and says, "Can I touch it?" The little boy looks back at her and says, "Hell no, you already broke yours off!"
To become a licensed airline pilot requires 1,500 hours (two years) of training. But it only takes 10 seconds to steal the pilot’s jacket and hat.
How did Rihanna know that Chris Brown was cheating on her? There was a different color of lipstick on his knuckles.
When you send her a dick pic, but then she sends you one right back...
Teacher: Ok class, I'm going to ask a question about your family.
Alex: Miss, my Dad died in 9/11.
Teacher: OH NO, I'M SO SORRY!
Alex: Don't worry miss. It was only Dad and besides, he did what he wanted before he died.
Teacher: What was that?
Alex: Flew the plane.
What do Michelangelo and Kurt Cobain have in common?
They both used their brains to paint the ceiling.